Effective Communication Skills, Part I

No one can overestimate the value of learning the right words and the most effect methods for using those words to get needs met.  When Ali Baba saw where the seven thieves had hidden their bounty, he had to find a way to retrieve it.  Learning the words, “Open Sesame!” gave him access to unimaginable treasure.

So it is with children.  Giving little ones who are just beginning to communicate the words they need to express their ideas and desires opens a magic door to opportunity.  Caring adults take the time to help them to ask for attention without whining, to resolve conflicts without hitting or biting, and to play cooperatively.

It was early in the year when a mother walked her three-year-old into the school.  He was holding tightly to her hand and cowering behind her as his teacher approached.

“Tell your teacher what you need,” the mother urged gently.

“Will you help me make school better?” he asked timidly.  “I’m not very happy here.”

His teacher knelt down to his level to as, “What will make you feel better about school?”

Another teacher, witnessing this exchange, had tears in her eyes.  Not only was she moved by the sweet earnestness of his request, she was also touched by the wisdom of his young mother.  Rather than speak for him (a natural instinct for a parent), she knew it would be better to help her son find the words to help himself.  It took courage and a lot of trust to put her little boy in that position.  I’m guessing it also took some rehearsing at home.  The reward is that he is learning that his words have power.

Our goal is to help children learn how best to use that power, expressing themselves clearly and confidently.  When a child whines or grunts  to indicate a wish, the temptation might be to whine back, “Stop whining!”  This would be understandable, but not very helpful.  A more thoughtful adult will offer an alternate behavior:  “Please use your words.  Say, ‘I need help with my coat.’” Only when the words have been spoken, or at least attempted, will he help the child with her coat.  Each positive response to a verbal request will encourage the child to use her words again.

We also want children to develop habits of courtesy and respect.  A child who screeches, “Gimme it!” is seldom met with a smile.  On the other hand, children learn quickly that they get more positive attention when they address a person by name and use words like “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me.”  These words set the tone for a calmer conversation.  People usually respond in kind, which reinforces the habit.

Finally, we aim to give children skills for resolving conflicts.  Having the right words in a critical moment can allay the urge to hit and run.  We teach children to say clearly, “I don’t like it when you…” or “Please stop…”  We help them negotiate with suggestions like, “Let’s share or “Let’s take turns.”  We help them emphasize their needs with “I” statements such as “I feel…”  Finally, we promise them that if they are having trouble, we’ll be right there to help them out.

It always comes back to this:  What we want our children to learn, we must first learn.  In other words, we need to be the models of clear, courteous and effective communication.  They will copy us, we can be sure.  When they do, they will feel happier, more confident and more peaceful.  What greater treasure can they have?

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/