Friday, February 14, 2014

Resilience: Helping the Bully Target

There is a type of fish, known as the puffer, that frightens off enemies by puffing itself up to a greater size. A bully is like a threatened puffer fish that is all puffed up and full of air. The best tool at the bully's disposal is the willingness of other people to be victims. When a bully meets weakness he thrives. When a bully encounters dignity and assertiveness he deflates into nothingness. ( See more here.)

When we last talked about this puffer fish, we focused on the Bully, a child desperately in need of adult attention.  This time I’d like to turn our attention to the Target, the child who is tormented by sometimes daily nastiness.  How does a parent or other loving adult protect this child?

According to the National Center for Education Statistics, nearly a third of all students aged 12-18 reported having been bullied in school in 2007, some almost daily.  (See more here.)  Given these statistics, it would seem that, unless we accompany our children to every place they go and witness every encounter they have, we cannot really protect them from bullying.  We can, however, insulate them, in a way.  We can prepare them for challenging encounters with the world by helping them build resilience.  The ability to bounce back from adversity and take control of the situation provides a safeguard against the damaging effects of victimization.

Here are some suggestions:
·         Creative problem-solving empowers a child to be pro-active in dealing with her feelings of intimidation or inferiority.  Dr. Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott of Positive Discipline,  suggest talking with the child about bullying.  Why do people need to bully? What does it accomplish? What effect does it have on the Target?  What action can be taken to help the Target?  Does the Bully need help?  Who can help?  If you were faced with a Bully, what do you think you would do?

·         Look for heroes whose examples model resilience for children.  Find them in sports, arts, or politics.  Point them out among school mates, neighbors, relatives.  Read about them in history books and even in novels. Talk about how they overcame adversity without using violence or revenge.

·         Maintain hope for your child.  Assure your child that you will always be there for him and that you will not stop finding ways to help.  Encourage him make positive, creative plans for the future, near and far.  Give him responsibility at home and in the community.  This will build his confidence and distract him from the negativity of the bullying.
  
·         Teach her effective communication skills. Peacemakers: The New Generation has several lessons in each book.  Roll play typical scenarios making up short responses to insults.  For example: To “You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny!” An answer might be, “Thanks for noticing.”  No eye contact.  Keep walking.  Decide when no answer is best.  Decide at what point an adult needs to be consulted.

·         Refer to the many children’s books and websites offering good advice to Bullying Targets.  One such site is “It’s My Life “ 


ACTIVITY  
Wisdom Panel

·      From  Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 1 Through 3, p. 21

Materials: Three bright-colored, wide ribbons with the words “Wisdom Panel” printed on them; three safety pins
Purpose: To share ideas for problem-solving

Sit in the Circle of Peace.  Tell the children that everyone has a dilemma from time to time.  Usually the predicament is small – like whether to eat the cake or ice cream first – and can be easily resolved.  But sometimes the situation is more complicated.  Then we need help figuring out what to do.  It’s a good idea to find someone we trust who will share her wisdom with us.

Tell the children that today they will practice sharing their wisdom with one another by forming an official Wisdom Panel.  Three panelists will be given a problem and each will share his or her wisdom about what to do.

After asking for volunteers, choose three to be panel members.  Give them the sashes to be worn on one shoulder, crossing the body and pinned together at the waist.  These are just for the fun of looking official.

Invite the Wisdom Panel to sit in a place of honor where everyone can see them.

Present a problem from the point of view of the Bully, the Target or the By-stander, and listen to their responses.  Be as non-critical of their solutions as possible.  Guide outrageous ideas with questions rather than statements.

In the end, thank everyone for sharing their wisdom.  Over time, encourage everyone in the group to take a turn on the Wisdom Panel.

Reproducible for group use only.  Copyright 2004, E.T. Nedder Publishing

***
I like to think of resilience as a kind of prophylactic, something to be taken before getting sick in order to avoid the illness.  A resilient child is less likely to be a Target for any bully, but if she is a Target, she will be less likely to be defeated by the attack.

Journal or discuss: Were you ever bullied as a child?  How did it affect you?  What did or would have helped you deal with the bully? 


For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/