Friday, April 19, 2013


Forgiveness, Part 2


On October 2, 2008, the world was stunned by the news from Nickel Mines, a rural town in Southern Lancaster County.  A man, insane with grief over the loss of his first-born daughter, rushed into an Amish school house and shot ten little girls, before taking his own life.  Five of the children died.

But, perhaps even more stunning was the response of the Amish community, including those families who had lost a child.  They forgave the shooter.  They reached out to comfort his family who had lost a husband/father/son.  They brought the family food and promised to be good neighbors to them.  When money poured in from around the world to help defray medical and funeral costs, the victims shared it with the killer’s family.

Dr. Donald Kraybill, co-author of Amish Grace: How Forgiveness Transcended Tragedy, (See more here.) interviewed dozens of families from the Nickel Mines community, asking them to define forgiveness.  The most common answer was “forgiveness means giving up a grudge.”  In an essay on the topic, Dr. Kraybill writes: “One Amish farmer told me, ‘Acid corrodes the container that holds it.  That’s what happens when we hold on to bitterness.’”

What’s remarkable about this story is that we find it so remarkable!  Our culture is not geared for forgiveness.  Our response is more often to “get even,”  “pay back”  “teach him a lesson.”  But looking at how that attitude only escalates the violence in this country makes me think it’s not working so well for us.

Dr. Kraybill writes: “An Amish father who lost a daughter in the schoolhouse offered a slightly different definition: ‘For me, forgiveness means giving up my right to revenge.”

What if we taught our children this?  What if we showed them that forgiveness is harder than revenge, but it is better, because it brings peace? Holding a grudge is exhausting work.  It sits in our hearts like a rock.  It pops up in most unexpected ways, ruining our days over and over again.  Forgiveness releases the forgiver from that bondage and allows one to get on with life.  Even if there is no apology and, therefore, no reconciliation, forgiveness brings peace to the victim.

Just to be clear, forgiveness does not mean the offense is excused or accepted..  Nor does it mean that the offense is completely understandable.  One can forgive and still demand recompense.  What forgiveness does is release the anger, resentment, or hate building up in one’s heart.  It takes time and effort and often repeated resolve, but it is worth it to have a peaceful heart. Dr. Kraybill assures us that in Nickel Mines the Amish, for the most part, have been able to move forward in what they call “the new normal.”



Activity  
A Lesson in a Bottle
Adapted from Peacemakers: The New Generation Grades 4-6, pages 44-45

Forgiveness is the act of granting peace to the offender by releasing a grudge.  The very act of forgiveness brings peace to the forgiver as well.  It allows the parties to move past the injury and offers hope for the future.  There can be no peace without forgiveness.

Materials:  One 2-liter empty plastic bottle and cap, tub of colored water, pitcher, awl or other sharp instrument to pierce holes in the bottle, optional: two-liter bottles of soda to share with the group at the end.

Purpose: To demonstrate how forgives relieves pain and brings peace to the forgiver

Preparation:  Poke four or five holes around the base of the empty bottle

Gather in the Circle of Peace.  Ask the children to consider this.  Suppose there is a group of people who want to be friends.  However, in the group there are some bullies who are really mean to others.  One of the bully targets decides to leave the group so he will be safe, away from the bullies.  Can he be at peace now?

What if the victim is still angry or sad or afraid?  What is needed to bring him peace in his new surroundings?

Demonstrate the following.

Uncap the bottle.  Holding it over the tub of water say, “Once there was a nice person who really wants to live in peace.”

With one hand, ruffle the water in the tub saying, “There was a community of people.  Some were friendly.  Some were not.”

Lower the bottle into the water.  Say, “The nice person joined the group.”

Scoop up a pitcher of water from the tub and hold it up.  Say, “This represents the pain caused by the bullies in the group.”
Pour the water into the bottle.  When it is full, keep the bottle in the tub, twist the cap back on. Say, “This was how the nice person sealed the pain and anger inside.
As long as he stayed in the group, he knew he would be filled with pain and resentment.  So one day he decided to leave.”

Pull the bottle from the water.  It will stay full.  Say, “Leaving the group was not enough to heal the pain.  It became clear that wherever the nice person went he would be taking the anger and hurt with him.  There was something very important he had to do if he was ever to feel at peace again.”

Wave one arm around to indicate the air. Say, “This is the spirit of forgiveness.  If he was ever to feel better, the nice person needed to allow forgiveness to enter his heart.  It was the only way the pain could go away.  But for weeks, he kept the pain and anger and fear bottled up inside him.  Finally, after praying for courage, he chose to uncap the pain and let forgiveness fill his heart.”

Still holding it up, uncap the bottle and watch the water pour out as the air pushes it down. End by saying, “Filled with forgiveness, the nice person was once again at peace.”

Ask the children what they learned from the lesson in the bottle.  Suggested discussion questions are:
·        
·        Where does forgiveness come from?
·        Is forgiveness just a feeling or is it a choice?
·        When you are really angry, sad or scared, how can you make the choice to forgive?
·        Can you forgive if there is no apology?
Can you forgive if the offender is not even there
I
I  Take a minute of silence to ask God to bring a spirit of forgiveness into the hearts of all present.  Bring out the bottles of soda to share and celebrate the joy of forgiveness.

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please  visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/




Friday, April 5, 2013

Forgiveness, Part 1


Forgiveness, Part 1

This scene is not uncommon in a preschool classroom.  Two little girls walk in arm –in-arm, best of friends.  Twenty minutes into the morning, they are arguing over who gets the sparkly shoes in the dress-up corner.  At snack, they refuse to sit together; no longer friends.  At the end of the day, out they stroll, arm-in-arm, BFFs!

Small children easily say, “I’m sorry.” And just as easily forgive. Laurie A. Gray, JD, of Socratic Parenting LLC , makes the same observation, “Children have a natural ability to forgive because their tendency is to live in the present moment,”  This may be why we have no discussion of forgiveness in our preschool-kindergarten Peacemakers: The New Generation book. 

Now move forward a decade to Middle School.  BFFs on Monday can be not speaking on Wednesday and by Friday are gossiping and plotting against one another.  What happened?  Gray suggests that we, the adults in their lives, are inadvertently responsible, “We teach them to keep score, to compare themselves to others and to worry about the future. We hold onto grudges and remind them of past wrongs and hurts.”

To turn this around, we need to be deliberate about teaching our children the value of reconciliation.  Conflict is a natural consequence of living with one another. When each of us is created uniquely, there are bound to be disagreements and opposing viewpoints. This easily turns into contentious behavior which often leads to pain. Without forgiveness, we cannot have peace.  As our children grow in society and become distracted by the lure of popularity, material goods, notoriety of success, they are bound to clash with one another and to hurt one another.  It is our job to show them how to negotiate their way through these conflicts.

Claire Perez and I teach about forgiveness on three tiers: apology, forgiveness and reconciliation.  It is possible to apologize without being forgiven and it is possible to forgive without having heard an apology.  Either can leave us with a sense of peace and a freedom to move on. But the perfect formula is to blend both elements, apology and forgiveness,  to bring about reconciliation.

We start with apology. Apology takes ownership of a poor choice of action.  It involves five steps:
·         Confess our role in an offensive action.  Make no excuses.  Simply admit, “I did it.”
·         Accept the consequences.  Understand that you may have lost a friend, sullied your reputation, or given up a privilege as a result of your action.
·          Ask forgiveness.  Specifically say, “I’m sorry.  Please forgive me.”  Understand that forgiveness might not be forthcoming, but we have done the right thing in asking.
·          Offer restitution.  Be prepared to repair the damages in any way possible.
·          Determine to change future choices.  Show our sincerity by acting differently from now on.

We all make mistakes at some time in our lives.  It is painful to live with the regret.  Sincere apology eases that pain and helps us focus on learning the lesson and being a better person.

Activity  

We took this familiar activity and turned it into a play to portray the lesson.

Scar (A Play)

From Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 1-3, pp12-14

Materials:  Three 8”x 10” copies of a smiling face (two for practice, one for the performance) script for “Scar,” five child actors, one adult narrator
Purpose:  To help children realize the lasting, painful effects of bullying and ridicule.  To help children learn the components of a sincere apology.
Preparation:  Ask for five volunteers to be in a little play for the other children.  Sometime previous to the event, take them to another room to practice.

When you are ready, gather the children in the Circle of Peace and explain that they are going to watch a short play.
Script

Five children stand in a row, facing the audience.  Narrator sits on a stool at the beginning of the row, a little forward of the line.
Narrator:  Sometimes people forget to love one another.  When they do, they are sometimes rude and mean to one another.  It hurts our feelings when someone is mean to us, and it’s hard to forget about it later.  Here is a story about four classmates who forgot they were friends.
First child holds up a picture of a smiling face.
Narrator:  This is Jane.  She is usually a happy child.  Her Mommy and Daddy love her.  Her teacher thinks she is a great kid.  Jane’s clothes are kind of old-fashioned.  Because she stutters when she talks, she is shy with people she is just getting to know.  She’s not very good at reading.
Jane is kind.  She likes to share.  She is good at sports.  However, because she is a little different, some children don’t like her.  Here is what happened one day.
First child passes the picture to the second child.
Narrator:  The teacher told the children that the class was going to put on a play.  It would be about a Prince and a Princess and a Dragon.  Parents would be invited to come.  Other people could also come if they wanted.  After recess,  children who wanted a part I the play could meet with the teacher to try out.
Everyone was so excited! Jane thought she would like to be part of the play.  She smiled as she thought of telling her family about it.
Then one child walked up to her and said, “What are you smiling about?  Don’t tell me you think you could be in the play!”
Second child folds the picture in half, creases it and hands it to the third child.
Narrator:  “Y-y-yess.  I Th-think it would be f-f-fun,” said Jane.
“F-F-Fun?” mocked another child.  “Y-y-you can’t even t-t-talk!” And she laughed in Jane’s face.
Third child folds the picture in half again, creases it and hands it to the fourth child.
Narrator:  Another child heard the laughing and came over.  When he realized what was happening, he joined in.  “It’s a good thing there will be costumes, so you don’t have to wear your weird clothes, “  he roared.
Fourth child crumples the picture into a ball, tightly squeezes it and hands it to the fifth child.
Narrator:  “Ha!” said another child scornfully, “I bet you can’t even read the script!  We’ll have to let you be the dog.  Woof-woof!”  All the children howled with laughter.
Fifth child drops the picture on the floor and stomps on it with his foot.
Narrator:  Poor Jane began to cry. 
Then a friend came over.  “Why are you being so mean?” she asked the other children.  “Can’t you see how sad you are making her?  Jane is one of us.  She belongs to our class and she belongs in our play if she wants to be.  You shouldn’t make her cry.”
The other children listened to their friend.  They looked at Jane’s sad face and they felt sorry for what they had done.
Fifth child picks up the picture and begins to uncrumple it.
Fifth Child:  I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.
Hands the picture to the Fourth child.
Fourth child uncrumples the picture some more.
Fourth child:  I hope you’ll try out for the play.
Hands the picture to the Third child.
Third child unfolds the second crease and smooths out the picture.
Third Child:  Please forgive me for making you cry.
Hands the picture to the Second child.
Second child unfolds the last crease and smoothes the picture out.
Second Child:  I’ll help you read the script before the try-outs.
Hands the picture to the First child.
First child smooths the picture some more and holds it up for all to see.
Narrator:  Jane was smiling again.  She was happy about trying out for the play.  Now she knew she had friends.
 But notice this:  Even though the children smoothed things out with Jane, there are still wrinkles.  When we hurt people’s feelings, embarrass them or point out their differences, they are never quite the same. It takes a long time for the scars to heal and the wrinkles to go away.
The children in Jane’s class were really sincere when they told her they were sorry.  They proved it over the weeks and months to come by being friendly and supportive of their little classmate.  In time, Jane was able to forget about her sad day and just be a happy member of the class.
Begin clapping in rhythm, singing an appropriately happy song such as, “If You’re Happy and You Know It.”  Take a bow!

Process this lesson by recalling the five steps of a sincere apology: 
·         Confess our role in an offensive action.   
·         Accept the consequences.   
·          Ask forgiveness
·          Offer restitution.   
·          Determine to change future choices

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/