Positive Self-Identity – Part II

When helping children develop attitudes of peace, we look for Positive Self-identity.  How a person views himself will dictate to a large extent  how he acts, the choices he makes, the attitudes he takes toward others.  Positive self-identity is more than high self-esteem.  It’s a little more complicated than “I’m okay, you’re okay.”  Positive self-identity recognizes one’s own strengths and weaknesses, one’s own needs and gifts.  Most importantly, it signifies an understanding of oneself in relation to others.  In other words, one might ask, “Who am I? What am I good at and what needs more practice?  What are my virtues and what are my vices?  Finally, how do I fit in this community in which I live?  What do I need from the members here and what can I offer them?” 

Self-esteem is about me.   Self-identity is about we. In the following activity, children are encouraged to create a world of their own.  As they deliberate about their imaginary world, they come closer to realizing that there is a purpose to this great and real world in which we live.  They will be encouraged to think about how they contribute to that purpose.

I like to use four A words when talking about children’s Positive Self-identity.

First is Attention.  Children need our close attention, not just when they’re tiny, but also and especially when they grow into Middle School and High School.  There is nothing so lonely as feeling invisible.  Let’s be sure to look at our children and greet them with a smile when they walk into a room.  And don’t let them just disappear as adolescents are wont to do;  say ”good night” or “good-bye” as they leave the room.

All of us, when we are out and about, can make a contribution by paying attention to the children who are present.  Get eye contact. Smile if they are behaving well.  Frown if they are not.  It used to be the mark of a good neighborhood when everyone watched out for everyone else’s kids.  We knew we had to stay out of trouble.  We also knew we were safe, because someone had our backs.  Offer kind words to boost a child’s spirits.  A stranger once complimented my daughter for holding the door for me.  She never needed a reminder after that!

At home eat a meal with the children. Turn off the TV and put away the cellphones.  Have conversation.  Share the day, tell jokes.  Plan future holidays or outings.  Strategize how the family can cheer up ailing Cousin Tony.  There’s plenty to talk about.  Be sure to do your share of listening as well.  Active listening includes looking at the child while he’s speaking.  Nod your head. Pat his arm. Inform your face to respond.

Finally, we need to watch for signs of stress.  Does your child seem tired, overly cranky or overly quiet?  Be observant.  Ask questions.  Try to find out what’s happening without hovering.

The second A is Appreciation.  When we show appreciation for who our child is and what she does and how she adds to our lives, we honor her. At the same time, we model the gift of gratitude.  A person who has gratitude and who knows she is appreciated is less likely to show jealousy or envy of another.Relying on a child to take over age-appropriate chores helps the family function more smoothly. “What would we do without you?” Including him in community service activities opens the way for others to notice and thank him.  “You made this job so much fun!”

We can be stingy with our criticism, especially in the early adolescent years (when it’s probably the hardest). They are rough enough on themselves.  It’s a good bet that their friends and teachers are giving them plenty of critique each day.  Instead let’s find ways to notice and name their strengths. 

The third A is for Affection.  Children, even big children, need to know they are loved.  Hugs, kisses, blessings should be a regular diet served to children by their families.  I once heard a young man eulogize his father by telling how he made special cards for each child on every holiday, including St. Patrick’s Day.  “I have a box full of his affectionate notes,” he told the group “given even when I wasn’t very adorable!”

The rest of us can find other ways: a wink to share an inside joke, a friendly nickname, a thumbs-up across the room, a note with a pack of gum slipped into a pocket.  They all help to make a child know he belongs and is important to the group.

The final A is Affiliation.  Our children need to know that they belong to something so much bigger and so much stronger than just themselves.  There are people on whom they can depend for advice, help, and protection.  By the same token, there are people who need to rely on the children for much the same. A three-year-old can bring Mommy a diaper to change the baby; a nine-year-old can help an elderly neighbor rake the leaves; a thirteen-year-old can babysit.

Outside of the family, belonging to a school or a Church, being on a team or a member of choir will give a child another way to define herself.  Teachers, coaches and other adult leaders help broaden a child’s experience and build her confidence.  It is through these activities that children learn social skills of cooperation, sharing, anticipating another’s needs, enjoying another’s success.  It is often through people in these communities that a child learns compassion, courage of conviction and even self-sacrifice.

 None of us are the Center of the Universe.  All of us kind of float around together, needing some and helping some.  Let’s guide our children to be aware of their membership in this vast world.  Let’s teach them that whenever they feel overwhelmed by a particular challenge, like a bully at school, they can just reach out and ask someone for help.  If they happen to be the by-stander when a bully picks on a kid, let’s show them how to be an up-stander instead.  Encourage them to run for help, create a distraction, speak up to the bully or stand next to the victim to offer hope.  But never feel alone.  And never let someone else feel alone.  We are one.

Journal or discuss: Were you ever bullied as a child?  Were you ever a bully?  If your adult-self could talk to that child, what would you want to say?

Activity

Create a Mini World

(from Peacemakers:The New Generation, Grades 6-8, p.4)

Materials: Clay or play dough, construction paper, tape, scissors, other creative materials.  Time: 2 hours or more

Group the children into pairs or trios.  Invite them to take a few minutes to imagine a new world.  Ask the following questions:

• What would life be like in your ideal world?
• Who would live in it?
• What would they need?
• What things would happen there?
• How would they happen?
• What does your world need to thrive?
• What would destroy it?

Allow children to select materials to create a mini-world based on their ideas.  As they work, they can think up a story to share about this world. Allow as much time as possible for this project.  Several hours over several days would be ideal.  If time is limited you might use only markers and paper to create a world.  When the project is complete, give each group a chance to talk about their worlds and share their stories.

Process the activity by discussing the following:

• What is your hope for your world?
• As your world’s creator, what would you be willing to do to support your world?
• What do you think is the hope of the Creator for our world?
• What do you think our Creator is willing to do to support our world?
• What do each of you bring to make our world a wonderful place?

Reproducible for classroom use only. Copyright 2007 E.T.Nedder Publishing

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/