Forgiveness: Releasing Resentment

An essential principle to peacemaking and one of the most difficult concepts to convey to children is that of forgiveness.  Part of the difficulty lies in the fact that adults don’t seem to like to talk about it, so they tend to ignore it, or over-simplify it.  “He said he’s sorry.  Now you say okay.” 

  

On the website, World of Psychology (http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/27/how-to-teach-a-child-forgiveness/),

Jamie Perillo, LPC, warns, “Teaching your child to forgive…will make navigating childhood and adolescence easier.  Holding on to anger and resentment is a recipe for anxiety and depression for children and adults. The earlier forgiveness is taught, the earlier you can prevent children from taking on the victim role.  That in turn helps prevent anxiety and depression.”

It’s important to understand what forgiveness is not.  It is not a magic wand that makes offensive behavior suddenly disappear.  It is not an acquittal that declares an offender “not guilty.”  Forgiving is not forgetting.  It does not condone misbehaviors.  It is not a feeling.  It is a decision. 

Forgiveness is a release of resentment.  It involves naming the action and its painful consequences and then choosing to let it go, because to hang on to the agony of resentment and hurt is dangerous to one’s well-being.

When a child has been hurt by a bully or a friend or a sibling, intentionally or not, she needs to talk about it with a trusted adult. She needs to be able to recall the incident from the point of view of the offender, as well as her own.  Was her friend feeling left out?  Did he think there had been an injustice against himself?  Might he have felt defensive about something?  Helping a child understand a possible trigger for the event might add some compassion and encourage forgiveness.

Before expecting forgiveness, though, it is important to let the child identify how he might be feeling after being hurt.  A loving adult can validate a child’s fear, anger, or embarrassment and offer comfort.  When the child is ready, the adult can help him put into words how he will face the offender.  Teaching “I Statements” as described in Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 6-8, pages 50-52, will help the child say the person’s name, say how he feels, say what caused the feeling, and finally ask for what he needs.  Then, he can feel more comfortable saying, “I forgive you.”

 Once the unacceptable behavior has been addressed and any necessary consequences have been laid down, it is best to let go and move on.   Use characters like Dr. Seuss’ Grinch to demonstrate the danger of clinging to anger.  One becomes cranky and mean-spirited over time. Bitterness and self-pity interfere with one’s happiness and social development. An aggrieved heart cannot love. There can also be physical effects like fatigue or digestive disorders, headaches and other stress-related ailments. 

If, after expressing forgiveness, the child is still struggling with feelings of hurt or resentment, Jamie Perillo, LPC, suggests using visualization to let go of any harbored feelings.  On the website, World of Psychology, she offers the following example:

Hand your child a pretend balloon. Ask him or her to think about the feelings he or she stated — anger, sadness, embarrassment. Then ask him or her to blow all of those feelings into the pretend balloon. Tell him or her that the balloon is tied to him or her by an imaginary string. When he or she is ready to let go of the feelings, hand over pretend scissors to cut the string and release the feelings. Help your child imagine the balloon sailing high into the sky. When ready, imagine that the balloon gently pops, spreading a dusting of love and compassion to both parties. Remind your child it might take more than once and they can practice the visualization as much as they would like.

We owe it to our children to take the time to deliberately teach them about forgiveness. Life is so much richer when one understands compassion, kindness and unconditional love.

Journal or discuss:  What might prevent an adult from guiding a child through forgiveness?  How would you overcome that obstacle?

ACTIVITY

Rockin’ World

From Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 4-6, p.35

Materials:  Backpack, fist-size rocks (one per person), marking pens, stop watch or clock, basket labeled “Forgiveness.”

Purpose:  To understand the communal effect of forgiveness.

Gather in the Circle of Peace.

Explain to the children that when you don’t forgive someone it is called “holding a grudge.”  Ask:

1.    What happens to two friends when one holds a grudge? Does anything happen to the community?

2.    What would it be like at your birthday party if you were holding a grudge against your best friend?

3.    Would anyone besides you and your friend be affected?  How?

Introduce a game.  Give each child a rock and a marker.  Ask them to think of someone that they might be holding a grudge against.  Tell them, without using any names, to draw a symbol of that grudge on the rock.  If they can’t think of any real grudges, congratulate them and ask that, for the sake of the game, they just write the word “grudge” on the rock and pretend they have one.  Invite the children to put their rocks into the back pack.

Put the rock-filled back pack on the first child and have the others line up behind him.  Explain that you are going to have a relay race against time.  Mark out the distance for the race.  (Make it somewhat challenging; at least fifty feet, if possible.) At the signal, start the timer.  The first child runs the length of the course and back.  Help the second child put on the back pack, then she runs the course.  Continue until everyone has had a turn.  Record the finish time.

Gather again in the Circle of Peace.  Ask:

1.    What was your experience in the race?

2.    How did someone else’s grudge affect you?

3.    What do you think would happen if you could forgive someone and remove your rock from the backpack?

Put on some soft music.  Invite the children to think about the grudge they held in the backpack. Pausing for time to think between each question, ask the following:

·         Think about the circumstances of the offensive event.

·         What was the worst part?

·         How did it make you feel?

·         Why do you think the offender hurt you?

·         Do you think he/she meant to hurt you?

·         Do you think you would feel better if you could stop being angry about it?

·         Do you think you could ever forgive him/her?

Wait about thirty seconds, then say, If you think you can give up your grudge, please go one at a time, remove a rock from the back pack and place it in the Forgiveness basket.

When everyone is ready, run the race again with the lighter backpack.  Compare times between the two races.

Gather in the Circle of Peace to discuss:

1.    Explain the difference between the two races?

2.    Explain what is meant when we say, “Carrying a grudge is a burden.”

3.    Do you agree that forgiveness sets us free?

Reproducible for group use only.  Copyright 2013, Mary Fox and Claire Perez

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/