Respect Dignity: What’s a Parent
of a Bully to Do?
Three times in the past two months or so, I have been greatly distressed to see stories, with photos, of children being publicly disciplined by their parents for bullying. My heart goes out to the children who are being humiliated in such a public forum and, because it is now in cyberspace, this tough stage in their lives could haunt them for years to come. My heart also goes out to the parents who are obviously at their wits’ end trying to curb these belligerent, unruly children. How do we stop these downhill attitudes, rolling faster than we can catch up?
I’d like to suggest that that a fundamental principle of
peacemaking has been broken by both the child and the parent. They have forgotten the meaning of human
dignity. The child obviously does not
see dignity in his target. It is easy
for him to be disrespectful. But he also
seems to have lost track of it in himself.
Bullies usually don’t respect themselves any more than they do others.
His parents, as so often happens when life runs amok, have become so distracted
by the nastiness, they, too, have lost sight of the inherent dignity of their
child. Let me propose that we find that
dignity, that self-worth with which all
of us were born and try a different approach using ideas of professionals in
the field.
- Respond immediately, at the first indication of bullying behavior. Think of it as a potential crisis, like seeing your child walking out on thin ice. Resolve it before it becomes worse.
- Be firm but gentle with the child rather than tough. Use respectful language rather than severe, punitive words and tone of voice. Be clear with the child that bullying is not to be tolerated. Also be clear with oneself, that bullying is as serious as an illness and needs to be treated with the same amount of care. Discipline is the medicine. Discipline means to teach. What we want to teach the child is how to respect the dignity of each person, including her own.
- There is a need for a one-on-one relationship with an adult who can be trusted by the child as well as the parents. This person will talk with her and help her better understand the reasons for her behavior and the consequences of it. A trusted teacher, a beloved aunt or uncle, a family friend who has a long-standing relationship with the child might be less emotional and feel safer to the child than her parents. In some cases, a professional counselor or therapist may be needed to handle the situation.
- Deal with the child privately. Facebook is not the place for discipline. Humiliation and embarrassment are bullying tactics and will only teach how to bully, not how to respect.
Dr. Jane Nelson writes on her web site for Positive
Discipline, “There is a type of fish, known as
the puffer, that frightens off enemies by puffing itself up to a greater size.
A bully is like a threatened puffer fish that is all puffed up and full of air…. Remember
that you want to deflate the bullying behavior and not the person doing the
bullying.” (See more here)
Here are some further suggestions from Dr. Jane Nelson:
- Invite the child to fill out a what/how form, then take time to talk with him about it. Considering age-appropriate abilities such a form might have questions like the following:
- What were you trying to do or accomplish?
- What happened?
- What caused it to happen?
- How do you feel about what happened?
- What did you learn from what happened?
- What suggestions do you have for solving the problem?
- How can you use what you learned in the future?
- Discuss with the child reasons why people use bullying behaviors, including adults’ bullying tactics if the child is in junior high or high school.
- Read stories in which some characters bully each other. Point out that force or violence isn’t necessary to deflate those who seem powerful. Watch movies like “The Sand Lot” which exemplifies respectful behavior among peers or “Harriet the Spy” which shows the rewards of honest dialogue in resolving conflict. Claire and I have used both these movies with Peacemakers: The New Generation and had very profound conversations with the children afterward. It is easier to express feelings when they can be transferred to a fictitious character.
- Explain to your child that the most challenging bully of all is “that voice that discourages and intimidates each and every person from the inside.” (Dr. Jane Nelson) Help her describe the messages she receives from her inner critics. Strategize ways she can deal with that “inner bully” in the future.
The Master Teacher,( here),
advises that many times a bullying child is reacting to feelings of
insecurity. This needs to be addressed
directly. Let the child speak without
judgment about what scares him, what makes him angry, what makes him sad. Give him a chance to brag a bit to you about
what he does well. Notice his strengths.
Give him serious
responsibilities with adequate instructions on how to fulfill them. Rechannel his energies. Design activities which will bring out his
leadership and assertion strengths in a positive way. However, be sure to make success or failure “safe”
when you do. Acknowledge positive behavior sincerely. Use words like “strong,” “hard working,” and “brilliant.”
Adults need to be strong, focused and patient. Like anything
else, recovering from bullying is a process which takes time. Don’t predict, but expect occasional set-backs
while the child develops skills for dealing with disappointment, conflict and
challenges. If it takes years to develop
an Olympic athlete, how long will it take to grow a noble adult?
For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/
