Resilience: Helping the Bully Target

There is a type of fish, known as the puffer, that frightens off enemies by puffing itself up to a greater size. A bully is like a threatened puffer fish that is all puffed up and full of air. The best tool at the bully's disposal is the willingness of other people to be victims. When a bully meets weakness he thrives. When a bully encounters dignity and assertiveness he deflates into nothingness. ( See more here.)

When we last talked about this puffer fish, we focused on the Bully, a child desperately in need of adult attention.  This time I’d like to turn our attention to the Target, the child who is tormented by sometimes daily nastiness.  How does a parent or other loving adult protect this child?

According to the National Center for Education Statistics, nearly a third of all students aged 12-18 reported having been bullied in school in 2007, some almost daily.  (See more here.)  Given these statistics, it would seem that, unless we accompany our children to every place they go and witness every encounter they have, we cannot really protect them from bullying.  We can, however, insulate them, in a way.  We can prepare them for challenging encounters with the world by helping them build resilience.  The ability to bounce back from adversity and take control of the situation provides a safeguard against the damaging effects of victimization.

Here are some suggestions:

·         Creative problem-solving empowers a child to be pro-active in dealing with her feelings of intimidation or inferiority.  Dr. Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott of Positive Discipline,  suggest talking with the child about bullying.  Why do people need to bully? What does it accomplish? What effect does it have on the Target?  What action can be taken to help the Target?  Does the Bully need help?  Who can help?  If you were faced with a Bully, what do you think you would do?

·         Look for heroes whose examples model resilience for children.  Find them in sports, arts, or politics.  Point them out among school mates, neighbors, relatives.  Read about them in history books and even in novels. Talk about how they overcame adversity without using violence or revenge.

·         Maintain hope for your child.  Assure your child that you will always be there for him and that you will not stop finding ways to help.  Encourage him make positive, creative plans for the future, near and far.  Give him responsibility at home and in the community.  This will build his confidence and distract him from the negativity of the bullying.

  

·         Teach her effective communication skills. Peacemakers: The New Generation has several lessons in each book.  Roll play typical scenarios making up short responses to insults.  For example: To “You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny!” An answer might be, “Thanks for noticing.”  No eye contact.  Keep walking.  Decide when no answer is best.  Decide at what point an adult needs to be consulted.

·         Refer to the many children’s books and websites offering good advice to Bullying Targets.  One such site is “It’s My Life “ 

ACTIVITY  

Wisdom Panel

·      From  Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 1 Through 3, p. 21

Materials: Three bright-colored, wide ribbons with the words “Wisdom Panel” printed on them; three safety pins

Purpose: To share ideas for problem-solving

Sit in the Circle of Peace.  Tell the children that everyone has a dilemma from time to time.  Usually the predicament is small – like whether to eat the cake or ice cream first – and can be easily resolved.  But sometimes the situation is more complicated.  Then we need help figuring out what to do.  It’s a good idea to find someone we trust who will share her wisdom with us.

Tell the children that today they will practice sharing their wisdom with one another by forming an official Wisdom Panel.  Three panelists will be given a problem and each will share his or her wisdom about what to do.

After asking for volunteers, choose three to be panel members.  Give them the sashes to be worn on one shoulder, crossing the body and pinned together at the waist.  These are just for the fun of looking official.

Invite the Wisdom Panel to sit in a place of honor where everyone can see them.

Present a problem from the point of view of the Bully, the Target or the By-stander, and listen to their responses.  Be as non-critical of their solutions as possible.  Guide outrageous ideas with questions rather than statements.

In the end, thank everyone for sharing their wisdom.  Over time, encourage everyone in the group to take a turn on the Wisdom Panel.

Reproducible for group use only.  Copyright 2004, E.T. Nedder Publishing

***

I like to think of resilience as a kind of prophylactic, something to be taken before getting sick in order to avoid the illness.  A resilient child is less likely to be a Target for any bully, but if she is a Target, she will be less likely to be defeated by the attack.

Journal or discuss: Were you ever bullied as a child?  How did it affect you?  What did or would have helped you deal with the bully? 

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

Respect Dignity: What's a Parent of a Bully to Do?

Respect Dignity: What’s a Parent of a Bully to Do?

 Three times in the past two months or so, I have been greatly distressed to see stories, with photos, of children being publicly disciplined by their parents for bullying.  My heart goes out to the children who are being humiliated in such a public forum and, because it is now in cyberspace, this tough stage in their lives could haunt them for years to come.  My heart also goes out to the parents who are obviously at their wits’ end trying to curb these belligerent, unruly children.  How do we stop these downhill attitudes, rolling faster than we can catch up?

I’d like to suggest that that a fundamental principle of peacemaking has been broken by both the child and the parent.  They have forgotten the meaning of human dignity.  The child obviously does not see dignity in his target.  It is easy for him to be disrespectful.  But he also seems to have lost track of it in himself.  Bullies usually don’t respect themselves any more than they do others. His parents, as so often happens when life runs amok, have become so distracted by the nastiness, they, too, have lost sight of the inherent dignity of their child.  Let me propose that we find that dignity, that self-worth with which  all of us were born and try a different approach using ideas of professionals in the field.     

1.         Respond immediately, at the first indication of bullying behavior.  Think of it as a potential crisis, like seeing your child walking out on thin ice.  Resolve it before it becomes worse.
2.         Be firm but gentle with the child rather than tough.  Use respectful language rather than severe, punitive words and tone of voice. Be clear with the child that bullying is not to be tolerated.   Also be clear with oneself, that bullying is as serious as an illness and needs to be treated with the same amount of care. Discipline is the medicine.  Discipline means to teach.  What we want to teach the child is how to respect the dignity of each person, including her own.
3.         There is a need for a one-on-one relationship with an adult who can be trusted by the child as well as the parents.  This person will talk with her and help her better understand the reasons for her behavior and the consequences of it. A trusted teacher, a beloved aunt or uncle, a family friend who has a long-standing relationship with the child might be less emotional and feel safer to the child than her parents.  In some cases, a professional counselor or therapist may be needed to handle the situation.
4.         Deal with the child privately.  Facebook is not the place for discipline.  Humiliation and embarrassment are bullying tactics and will only teach how to bully, not how to respect.

Dr. Jane Nelson writes on her web site for Positive Discipline, “There is a type of fish, known as the puffer, that frightens off enemies by puffing itself up to a greater size. A bully is like a threatened puffer fish that is all puffed up and full of air…. Remember that you want to deflate the bullying behavior and not the person doing the bullying.” (See more  here)

Here are some further suggestions from Dr. Jane Nelson:

•     Invite the child to fill out a what/how form, then take time to talk with him about it.  Considering age-appropriate abilities such a form might have questions like the following:          
•  What were you trying to do or accomplish?
• What happened?
• What caused it to happen?
• How do you feel about what happened?
• What did you learn from what happened?
• What suggestions do you have for solving the problem?
• How can you use what you learned in the future?

•        Discuss with the child reasons why people use bullying behaviors, including adults’ bullying tactics if the child is in junior high or high school.
•         Read stories in which some characters bully each other.  Point out that force or violence isn’t necessary to deflate those who seem powerful.  Watch movies like “The Sand Lot” which exemplifies respectful behavior among peers or “Harriet the Spy” which shows the rewards of honest dialogue in resolving conflict.  Claire and I have used both these movies with Peacemakers: The New Generation and had very profound conversations with the children afterward.  It is easier to express feelings when they can be transferred to a fictitious character.
•        Explain to your child that the most challenging bully of all is “that voice that discourages and intimidates each and every person from the inside.” (Dr. Jane Nelson)  Help her describe the messages she receives from her inner critics.  Strategize ways she can deal with that “inner bully” in the future.

The Master Teacher,( here), advises that many times a bullying child is reacting to feelings of insecurity.  This needs to be addressed directly.  Let the child speak without judgment about what scares him, what makes him angry, what makes him sad.  Give him a chance to brag a bit to you about what he does well.  Notice his strengths.

 Give him serious responsibilities with adequate instructions on how to fulfill them.  Rechannel his energies.  Design activities which will bring out his leadership and assertion strengths in a positive way.  However, be sure to make success or failure “safe” when you do. Acknowledge positive behavior sincerely.  Use words like “strong,” “hard working,” and “brilliant.”

Adults need to be strong, focused and patient. Like anything else, recovering from bullying is a process which takes time.  Don’t predict, but expect occasional set-backs while the child develops skills for dealing with disappointment, conflict and challenges.  If it takes years to develop an Olympic athlete, how long will it take to grow a noble adult?

  For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

Positive Self- Identity:  Finding Purpose

Spending the day at the County Fair with our grandchildren, we stopped at the 4H tent

to get a bite to eat.  Eight-year-old Sofi, feeling particularly hungry, ordered the steak sandwich. 

“This is good!” she said after the first bite.  Then we didn’t hear from her again, until she was finished. “That steak sandwich was delicious!”

“It’s always nice to tell the cook when you like the food.  After all, he’s been volunteering at

 that grill all afternoon,” I suggested.

So we walked over to the grill and caught his attention. 

“That steak sandwich was delicious!” Sofi called to him.

At first he looked wary, perhaps thinking we had come to complain.  When he realized what

she had said, he grinned brightly.  “Thank you.  I’m glad you liked it.”

“Sofi,” I pointed out as we walked away, “Did you see how happy you made him with just one sentence?”

“Nana,” she told me seriously, “That’s my purpose.”

“Pardon me?”

“It’s my purpose to bring people happiness.  It’s why I’m made,” she explained.

Now I was grinning!  Sofi’s mom had taken care to teach her daughters that they were

created out of love to bring love into the world.  It’s a lesson that will serve them – and the rest of us – well throughout their lives.

                So much is written about building children’s self-esteem.  We want them to know that they are special, unique, loved.  We tell them they are beautiful, smart, the best, the winner.  We bend over backward to keep them from feeling inferior or discouraged.  We know that confident children will be happy children, more likely to perform well in any situation.

                There is also much written about over-doing the attention.  We are warned of the danger of coddling a child until he grows to expect praise for any effort at all.  We read of the “new bully,” the one who is so self-centered, she feels entitled to all the attention and anything she sets her sights on.  These new bullies have no sense of boundaries.  They will do whatever it takes to get what they want.  Nor do they have any sense of remorse if their target gets hurt. In their minds they are more than the Center of the Universe; they are THE universe.

                Working with Peacemakers: The New Generation, we began to shift our focus from developing positive self-esteem to developing positive self-identity.  We realized that children need to think of themselves, not as lone individuals, but as individuals who make up something bigger.  They are part of a community: a family, a class, a neighborhood, a country.  Those communities help to define their uniqueness: she is empathetic, he is a good speller, she is thoughtful, he is honest, etc.    Those communities also help define each one’s purpose: care taker, crossing guard, dog walker, patriot.  So we endeavored to extend our message to the children broadening, “You are loved.  You are unique.  You are beautiful.”   We began to add, “”You are loved just because you are.  You are unique in what you bring to the world.  You are beautiful in the way you complete the picture. And you are connected.  We need you and you need us.  We are one.”  

When they are young, children’s parents will help them recognize their purpose.  As they grow, they will find it for themselves, sometimes pleasantly surprising their elders. Years ago my daughter Amelia and I facilitated a retreat for families.  As part of the day, we asked parents to hear what their children wanted to be when they grew up.  We then encouraged them to help their children appreciate how their choice would add love and peace to the world.  We were all gratified to hear the youngsters announce such plans as:  “I will be a fireman and keep people safe.”  “I will be a ballerina and make people smile at the beautiful music and movement.”  “I will be a pro football player and teach kids how to be good sports.”

Helping a child develop a positive self-identity builds her self-esteem, withdraws her need to bully, and adds to peace in the world.

Activity

Puzzling It Over

Adapted from Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 6- 8, p. 5

Materials:  Photo or drawing of the earth cut into various puzzle shapes, as many pieces as there are children, markers

Purpose: To help children realize the unique contribution each person makes to the world.

In the Circle of Peace discuss the word “interdependence.”  Compare the word with “independence.”  When we are young, it seems that our whole goal is to learn to be independent.  That’s important, because independence brings freedom to accomplish the things we want to do.  But really, even adults are interdependent to some extent.  Doctors help their patients, pharmacists help the doctors, chemistry teachers help the pharmacists, etc.  Ask for examples of interdependence in a family, classroom, and neighborhood.  How are countries interdependent?

Divide the puzzle pieces among the children.  Have each write his name on the front of the piece.  Allow time for them to assemble the puzzle.

Ask the children to complete the metaphor: We are each like a piece of the puzzle because ___.

Discuss:

·         Though we fit together to make a whole, we are each uniquely made, no two pieces are alike.

·         Sometimes we have to turn ourselves around or up-side –down in order to fit properly.

·         No one else can fill our space.  If we are not allowed to fill our space, it will remain empty.

·         If we refuse to fit, or if someone prevents us from fitting, then we will be alone outside the picture and the puzzle will be incomplete.

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

Effective Communication Skills, Part II

As children grow older and become more verbal, we sometimes forget that they need reminders about the most effective way to use the thousands of words they’ve learned.

Once they understand the power in their words, they need guidance in how to use that power in the most positive ways.  When we give children the skills both to express their needs and desires and to listen with respect, we open the door to opportunity. Peacemakers: The New Generation books offer several activities to accent the various facets of effective communication.  Following are three of the most foundational exercises.

Activity

Water Balloons

From Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 6-8, pp. 44-45

Materials:  Balloons filled with water, at least one per pair of children (This activity is

                  best done outdoors.)

Purpose: To demonstrate the concepts of sender and receiver in effective

                communication.

Instruct the children to choose a partner and form two lines facing one another with partners directly across from one another.  The lines should be about three feet apart.

One partner holds the water balloon.  At the signal, the balloon is carefully tossed to the other partner.  If the balloon is caught without bursting, the partners each take a step back and toss again. Play continues in this way until the balloon bursts.  When this happens, the partners step out of line and sit on the side until the game ends., when all but one pair are still standing with their balloon intact.

Process the activity by discussing the following questions:

·         We will call the person throwing the balloon the sender  and the person catching the balloon the receiver.  What did the sender have to do to keep the balloon from bursting? (Possible responses:  look at the receiver, aim, throw with the right amount of force.) 

·         What did the receiver have to do? (Possible responses:  watch the sender, be willing to move to catch the balloon, catch it before it hit the ground.)

·         Would you throw if the receiver wasn’t looking at you?

·         Would you turn your back if the balloon was coming toward you?

·         What did you try to do when the balloon went way to the right or the left?

·         What would happen if you just stood in one spot?

·         Was it easier or harder to play when you were further apart?

Explain that playing with the water balloons is much like communicating.  There is a sender who speaks, sending the message, and a receiver who listens, receiving the message.  Can you think of other ways the game is like verbal communication? (Possible responses: the sender and receiver are frequently reversing roles; each must pay attention to the other by watching and listening; each must be willing to do what it takes to make it work.)

If time permits, play another round.

Catch the Message

From Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 4-6, pp. 40-41

It is one thing to know what one wants to say.  It is quite another to be able to deliver that message effectively to others.  The choice of words and the manner in which they are delivered to others can make a lasting impression on the listener.  Intimidation may get people to back down from a stand, but it is rarely convincing.  Distraction can postpone a conversation for the time-being, but it doesn’t resolve the issue.  Coming to the point honestly, with respect for the position of the listener, is the best way to work toward understanding.

When children learn to consider their audience they choose their words carefully.  They will take time to observe the listener’s body language and tone of voice and monitor their own accordingly.  In time, they will grow to be articulate and confident adults.

Materials:  Five or more soft, lightweight balls of various sizes and materials, newsprint,

                  markers.

Purpose:   To learn the three components of effective communication: attention, empathy, and

                  flexibility.

Ask the group to line up facing each other , as partners, about five feet apart.  Explain that the object of this game is to play catch with different balls and to move the balls from the front of the line to the back, partner after partner.  The leader, you or the extra child if there is an odd number, will give one ball to the first pair in line.  They will pass it back and forth, then pass it to the next pair in line.  The leader will then give the first pair a different ball to toss back and forth and pass on. The play continues in this manner with each pair receiving a ball from the previous pair and tossing it back and forth.  Continue until all balls are in play and have made it to the last pair.  If any ball is dropped, it must be passed back to the leader  and started in play again with the first pair.

To add excitement you might try passing a ball back to the front once it has reached the end, being careful to keep the balls in the correct order.

Process the game by pointing out that the game is like a conversation with a sender and a receiver.  The various balls represent different messages.  Discuss the following questions:

·         What did you need to do to be successful? (Possible answers: pay attention, understand the task, know to whom you were throwing the ball and how good they were at catching it, change how the ball was thrown depending on its sie and weight.)

·         How does this relate to talking with one another? (Possible answers: you have to pay attention, know to whom you are speaking, try to understand what the other person is saying, try to say things so they can be understood, know what you want to say.)

Explain that these observations can be summed up in three words:

·         Attention – being observant of the person, their words and their body language

·         Empathy – being sensitive to feelings and point of view

·         Flexibility – being willing to change the words you are using and how you are speaking in order to be understood. 

Make a poster or bulletin board to remind the group to use these three components of effective communication in their sharing and in their conversations.

Pitfalls

From Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 4-6, pp. 44-51

Effective communication is what can build bridges in relationships, connecting people who might otherwise never relate.  Paying attention, being empathetic, being willing to be flexible are ingredients of fine friendship.  Interference of effective communication is what we call “Pitfalls,” those behaviors that knock people off the bridges and keep them from ever becoming friends. They are the earmarks of a bully.

We divide these behaviors into two categories, diversion and intimidation.  Under diversion come the habits which distract one’s attention from the matter at hand.  These include; interrupting the speaker, failing to listen, avoiding taking responsibility for one’s part in the conflict, lying or exaggerating.  Under intimidation come the stronger, abusive behaviors which make it impossible for one to concentrate.  These include pushing, hitting, threatening, labeling, calling names, screaming and shouting.

We put all these together on a poster that looks like this:

Pushing or hitting

Interrupting

Threatening

Failing to listen

Avoiding taking responsibility for one’s part in the conflict

Labeling or calling names

Lying or exaggerating

Screaming or shouting

We gave the list to Jenny and David Heitler-Klevans, award-winning performers of “Two of a Kind”. They wrote and recorded a song for us which you can download from their web site. Find the words and order a CD here.       

We have found that when children learn to recognize these behaviors in characters from books, movies and TV, they are more likely to also identify them in their own lives and to be less fearful, more courageous in facing them or walking away.

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

Effective Communication Skills, Part I

No one can overestimate the value of learning the right words and the most effect methods for using those words to get needs met.  When Ali Baba saw where the seven thieves had hidden their bounty, he had to find a way to retrieve it.  Learning the words, “Open Sesame!” gave him access to unimaginable treasure.

So it is with children.  Giving little ones who are just beginning to communicate the words they need to express their ideas and desires opens a magic door to opportunity.  Caring adults take the time to help them to ask for attention without whining, to resolve conflicts without hitting or biting, and to play cooperatively.

It was early in the year when a mother walked her three-year-old into the school.  He was holding tightly to her hand and cowering behind her as his teacher approached.

“Tell your teacher what you need,” the mother urged gently.

“Will you help me make school better?” he asked timidly.  “I’m not very happy here.”

His teacher knelt down to his level to as, “What will make you feel better about school?”

Another teacher, witnessing this exchange, had tears in her eyes.  Not only was she moved by the sweet earnestness of his request, she was also touched by the wisdom of his young mother.  Rather than speak for him (a natural instinct for a parent), she knew it would be better to help her son find the words to help himself.  It took courage and a lot of trust to put her little boy in that position.  I’m guessing it also took some rehearsing at home.  The reward is that he is learning that his words have power.

Our goal is to help children learn how best to use that power, expressing themselves clearly and confidently.  When a child whines or grunts  to indicate a wish, the temptation might be to whine back, “Stop whining!”  This would be understandable, but not very helpful.  A more thoughtful adult will offer an alternate behavior:  “Please use your words.  Say, ‘I need help with my coat.’” Only when the words have been spoken, or at least attempted, will he help the child with her coat.  Each positive response to a verbal request will encourage the child to use her words again.

We also want children to develop habits of courtesy and respect.  A child who screeches, “Gimme it!” is seldom met with a smile.  On the other hand, children learn quickly that they get more positive attention when they address a person by name and use words like “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me.”  These words set the tone for a calmer conversation.  People usually respond in kind, which reinforces the habit.

Finally, we aim to give children skills for resolving conflicts.  Having the right words in a critical moment can allay the urge to hit and run.  We teach children to say clearly, “I don’t like it when you…” or “Please stop…”  We help them negotiate with suggestions like, “Let’s share or “Let’s take turns.”  We help them emphasize their needs with “I” statements such as “I feel…”  Finally, we promise them that if they are having trouble, we’ll be right there to help them out.

It always comes back to this:  What we want our children to learn, we must first learn.  In other words, we need to be the models of clear, courteous and effective communication.  They will copy us, we can be sure.  When they do, they will feel happier, more confident and more peaceful.  What greater treasure can they have?

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

Forgiveness: Part 3

The following activity focuses on the symbol of shaking hands as a sign of reconciliation.When an adult witnesses two children arguing or even fighting, it is often wise to step back and let the children work it out.  Usually they have a natural propensity toward apology, forgiveness and reconciliation and they learn well from their experience.  But sometimes, the argument escalates, gets out of control and a valuable relationship falls into jeopardy.  It is then that adult guidance is needed.

Forgiveness is the act of granting peace to the offender by releasing a grudge.  It is often, but not always, preceded by an apology, the admission of responsibility for the offense.  The ideal result of combining forgiveness and apology is reconciliation.  To reconcile is, at best, to bring together again in love or friendship.  At least, it means to reach a compromise agreement.

Michael Hyatt of Intentional Leadership writes that reconciliation only happens when three phrases are used:  “I’m sorry.  I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?”  I would add two more phrases: “Yes, I forgive you.  Let’s be friends.”

The words, however, are empty unless they are stimulated by attitudes of responsibility, humility, empathy and patience.

• ·         Responsibility:  “I’m sorry” means I played an active role in offending you.  It may have been accidental, but it was at my hand and I truly regret it.  “Yes, I forgive you”  indicates willingness to do what is necessary to maintain the friendship.
• ·         Humility: It is seldom easy to admit to being wrong. We teach children the value of this behavior when we respond to their mistakes with understanding and forgiveness.  Of course, nothing teaches as clearly as watching how we react to our own errors.  Are we defensive, too proud to acknowledge our faults?  Or do we humbly concede our culpability, repair the damages and move on?
• ·         Empathy:  It is not enough to mutter, “Sorry” or “Just kidding” when we have hurt a friend.  It is important that a child realize just how he has offended another.  It is helpful to encourage him to name the offense and describe how he would feel under the same circumstances.  When he’s ready, the apology needs to identify the transgression:   “I am sorry I embarrassed you when I told that story at school.”  In this way, the wounded child knows for sure that his suffering has been understood and the offender is sure he has been duly forgiven.
• ·         Patience:  Reconciliation is a process that takes time.  Emotions need to die down.  Children need to think through all that has happened.  Adults need to respect the child’s struggle by guiding her, “When you are ready, you can apologize… you can forgive her…you can be friends again.”  This seldom takes as long for children as it can for proud and stubborn adults, but it is not fair to expect it to happen in a matter of minutes.

Activity  

Shaking Hands

Adapted from Peacemakers: The New Generation Grades 4-6, p. 36

Materials:  None

Purpose: To experience what is needed for reconciliation

Gather in the Circle of Peace.  Tell the children what you know about Golda Meir.  She was the first woman elected Prime Minister of Israel from 1969-1974.  She was often portrayed as the “strong-willed, straight-talking, gray-bunned grandmother of the Jewish people.”  Her dream was for peace in the Middle East.  She worked with world leaders including President Nixon and Pope Paul VI to establish a peace initiative to end the “War of Attrition.”

She said, “You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.”

Ask, when there has been a falling out between two friends, what needs to happen in order to repair the relationship?  When is it important to apologize?  What does it mean to forgive? Explain that when there is sincere apology and true forgiveness we have reconciliation,   a bringing together again in love or friendship.     

Invite each child to choose a partner. Explain that in many societies a handshake is a symbol of friendship. It is also a symbol of reconciliation.  Reiterate Golda Meir’s quote: “You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.”

Ask the children to pretend to be angry with their partners and to make clenched fists to show it.  Can they shake hands as friends?  What would have to happen in order to shake hands? (Apologies, forgiveness, open and relaxed hands)Reconciliation takes away the anger and eases the clenched fist.  Reconciliation makes it possible to restore the friendship.

Invite the children to trace their hands in their journals and fill them with the quote from Golda Meir.  Close the Circle with a Handshake of Peace.

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

Forgiveness, Part 2

On October 2, 2008, the world was stunned by the news from Nickel Mines, a rural town in Southern Lancaster County.  A man, insane with grief over the loss of his first-born daughter, rushed into an Amish school house and shot ten little girls, before taking his own life.  Five of the children died.

But, perhaps even more stunning was the response of the Amish community, including those families who had lost a child.  They forgave the shooter.  They reached out to comfort his family who had lost a husband/father/son.  They brought the family food and promised to be good neighbors to them.  When money poured in from around the world to help defray medical and funeral costs, the victims shared it with the killer’s family.

Dr. Donald Kraybill, co-author of Amish Grace: How Forgiveness Transcended Tragedy, (See more here.) interviewed dozens of families from the Nickel Mines community, asking them to define forgiveness.  The most common answer was “forgiveness means giving up a grudge.”  In an essay on the topic, Dr. Kraybill writes: “One Amish farmer told me, ‘Acid corrodes the container that holds it.  That’s what happens when we hold on to bitterness.’”

What’s remarkable about this story is that we find it so remarkable!  Our culture is not geared for forgiveness.  Our response is more often to “get even,”  “pay back”  “teach him a lesson.”  But looking at how that attitude only escalates the violence in this country makes me think it’s not working so well for us.

Dr. Kraybill writes: “An Amish father who lost a daughter in the schoolhouse offered a slightly different definition: ‘For me, forgiveness means giving up my right to revenge.”

What if we taught our children this?  What if we showed them that forgiveness is harder than revenge, but it is better, because it brings peace? Holding a grudge is exhausting work.  It sits in our hearts like a rock.  It pops up in most unexpected ways, ruining our days over and over again.  Forgiveness releases the forgiver from that bondage and allows one to get on with life.  Even if there is no apology and, therefore, no reconciliation, forgiveness brings peace to the victim.

Just to be clear, forgiveness does not mean the offense is excused or accepted..  Nor does it mean that the offense is completely understandable.  One can forgive and still demand recompense.  What forgiveness does is release the anger, resentment, or hate building up in one’s heart.  It takes time and effort and often repeated resolve, but it is worth it to have a peaceful heart. Dr. Kraybill assures us that in Nickel Mines the Amish, for the most part, have been able to move forward in what they call “the new normal.”

Activity  

A Lesson in a Bottle

Adapted from Peacemakers: The New Generation Grades 4-6, pages 44-45

Forgiveness is the act of granting peace to the offender by releasing a grudge.  The very act of forgiveness brings peace to the forgiver as well.  It allows the parties to move past the injury and offers hope for the future.  There can be no peace without forgiveness.

Materials:  One 2-liter empty plastic bottle and cap, tub of colored water, pitcher, awl or other sharp instrument to pierce holes in the bottle, optional: two-liter bottles of soda to share with the group at the end.

Purpose: To demonstrate how forgives relieves pain and brings peace to the forgiver

Preparation:  Poke four or five holes around the base of the empty bottle

Gather in the Circle of Peace.  Ask the children to consider this.  Suppose there is a group of people who want to be friends.  However, in the group there are some bullies who are really mean to others.  One of the bully targets decides to leave the group so he will be safe, away from the bullies.  Can he be at peace now?

What if the victim is still angry or sad or afraid?  What is needed to bring him peace in his new surroundings?

Demonstrate the following.

Uncap the bottle.  Holding it over the tub of water say, “Once there was a nice person who really wants to live in peace.”

With one hand, ruffle the water in the tub saying, “There was a community of people.  Some were friendly.  Some were not.”

Lower the bottle into the water.  Say, “The nice person joined the group.”

Scoop up a pitcher of water from the tub and hold it up.  Say, “This represents the pain caused by the bullies in the group.”

Pour the water into the bottle.  When it is full, keep the bottle in the tub, twist the cap back on. Say, “This was how the nice person sealed the pain and anger inside.

As long as he stayed in the group, he knew he would be filled with pain and resentment.  So one day he decided to leave.”

Pull the bottle from the water.  It will stay full.  Say, “Leaving the group was not enough to heal the pain.  It became clear that wherever the nice person went he would be taking the anger and hurt with him.  There was something very important he had to do if he was ever to feel at peace again.”

Wave one arm around to indicate the air. Say, “This is the spirit of forgiveness.  If he was ever to feel better, the nice person needed to allow forgiveness to enter his heart.  It was the only way the pain could go away.  But for weeks, he kept the pain and anger and fear bottled up inside him.  Finally, after praying for courage, he chose to uncap the pain and let forgiveness fill his heart.”

Still holding it up, uncap the bottle and watch the water pour out as the air pushes it down. End by saying, “Filled with forgiveness, the nice person was once again at peace.”

Ask the children what they learned from the lesson in the bottle.  Suggested discussion questions are:

·        

·        Where does forgiveness come from?

·        Is forgiveness just a feeling or is it a choice?

·        When you are really angry, sad or scared, how can you make the choice to forgive?

·        Can you forgive if there is no apology?

Can you forgive if the offender is not even there

I

I  Take a minute of silence to ask God to bring a spirit of forgiveness into the hearts of all present.  Bring out the bottles of soda to share and celebrate the joy of forgiveness.

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please  visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/