Forgiveness, Part 2

On October 2, 2008, the world was stunned by the news from Nickel Mines, a rural town in Southern Lancaster County.  A man, insane with grief over the loss of his first-born daughter, rushed into an Amish school house and shot ten little girls, before taking his own life.  Five of the children died.

But, perhaps even more stunning was the response of the Amish community, including those families who had lost a child.  They forgave the shooter.  They reached out to comfort his family who had lost a husband/father/son.  They brought the family food and promised to be good neighbors to them.  When money poured in from around the world to help defray medical and funeral costs, the victims shared it with the killer’s family.

Dr. Donald Kraybill, co-author of Amish Grace: How Forgiveness Transcended Tragedy, (See more here.) interviewed dozens of families from the Nickel Mines community, asking them to define forgiveness.  The most common answer was “forgiveness means giving up a grudge.”  In an essay on the topic, Dr. Kraybill writes: “One Amish farmer told me, ‘Acid corrodes the container that holds it.  That’s what happens when we hold on to bitterness.’”

What’s remarkable about this story is that we find it so remarkable!  Our culture is not geared for forgiveness.  Our response is more often to “get even,”  “pay back”  “teach him a lesson.”  But looking at how that attitude only escalates the violence in this country makes me think it’s not working so well for us.

Dr. Kraybill writes: “An Amish father who lost a daughter in the schoolhouse offered a slightly different definition: ‘For me, forgiveness means giving up my right to revenge.”

What if we taught our children this?  What if we showed them that forgiveness is harder than revenge, but it is better, because it brings peace? Holding a grudge is exhausting work.  It sits in our hearts like a rock.  It pops up in most unexpected ways, ruining our days over and over again.  Forgiveness releases the forgiver from that bondage and allows one to get on with life.  Even if there is no apology and, therefore, no reconciliation, forgiveness brings peace to the victim.

Just to be clear, forgiveness does not mean the offense is excused or accepted..  Nor does it mean that the offense is completely understandable.  One can forgive and still demand recompense.  What forgiveness does is release the anger, resentment, or hate building up in one’s heart.  It takes time and effort and often repeated resolve, but it is worth it to have a peaceful heart. Dr. Kraybill assures us that in Nickel Mines the Amish, for the most part, have been able to move forward in what they call “the new normal.”

Activity  

A Lesson in a Bottle

Adapted from Peacemakers: The New Generation Grades 4-6, pages 44-45

Forgiveness is the act of granting peace to the offender by releasing a grudge.  The very act of forgiveness brings peace to the forgiver as well.  It allows the parties to move past the injury and offers hope for the future.  There can be no peace without forgiveness.

Materials:  One 2-liter empty plastic bottle and cap, tub of colored water, pitcher, awl or other sharp instrument to pierce holes in the bottle, optional: two-liter bottles of soda to share with the group at the end.

Purpose: To demonstrate how forgives relieves pain and brings peace to the forgiver

Preparation:  Poke four or five holes around the base of the empty bottle

Gather in the Circle of Peace.  Ask the children to consider this.  Suppose there is a group of people who want to be friends.  However, in the group there are some bullies who are really mean to others.  One of the bully targets decides to leave the group so he will be safe, away from the bullies.  Can he be at peace now?

What if the victim is still angry or sad or afraid?  What is needed to bring him peace in his new surroundings?

Demonstrate the following.

Uncap the bottle.  Holding it over the tub of water say, “Once there was a nice person who really wants to live in peace.”

With one hand, ruffle the water in the tub saying, “There was a community of people.  Some were friendly.  Some were not.”

Lower the bottle into the water.  Say, “The nice person joined the group.”

Scoop up a pitcher of water from the tub and hold it up.  Say, “This represents the pain caused by the bullies in the group.”

Pour the water into the bottle.  When it is full, keep the bottle in the tub, twist the cap back on. Say, “This was how the nice person sealed the pain and anger inside.

As long as he stayed in the group, he knew he would be filled with pain and resentment.  So one day he decided to leave.”

Pull the bottle from the water.  It will stay full.  Say, “Leaving the group was not enough to heal the pain.  It became clear that wherever the nice person went he would be taking the anger and hurt with him.  There was something very important he had to do if he was ever to feel at peace again.”

Wave one arm around to indicate the air. Say, “This is the spirit of forgiveness.  If he was ever to feel better, the nice person needed to allow forgiveness to enter his heart.  It was the only way the pain could go away.  But for weeks, he kept the pain and anger and fear bottled up inside him.  Finally, after praying for courage, he chose to uncap the pain and let forgiveness fill his heart.”

Still holding it up, uncap the bottle and watch the water pour out as the air pushes it down. End by saying, “Filled with forgiveness, the nice person was once again at peace.”

Ask the children what they learned from the lesson in the bottle.  Suggested discussion questions are:

·        

·        Where does forgiveness come from?

·        Is forgiveness just a feeling or is it a choice?

·        When you are really angry, sad or scared, how can you make the choice to forgive?

·        Can you forgive if there is no apology?

Can you forgive if the offender is not even there

I

I  Take a minute of silence to ask God to bring a spirit of forgiveness into the hearts of all present.  Bring out the bottles of soda to share and celebrate the joy of forgiveness.

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please  visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

Forgiveness, Part 1

Forgiveness, Part 1

This scene is not uncommon in a preschool classroom.  Two little girls walk in arm –in-arm, best of friends.  Twenty minutes into the morning, they are arguing over who gets the sparkly shoes in the dress-up corner.  At snack, they refuse to sit together; no longer friends.  At the end of the day, out they stroll, arm-in-arm, BFFs!

Small children easily say, “I’m sorry.” And just as easily forgive. Laurie A. Gray, JD, of Socratic Parenting LLC , makes the same observation, “Children have a natural ability to forgive because their tendency is to live in the present moment,”  This may be why we have no discussion of forgiveness in our preschool-kindergarten Peacemakers: The New Generation book. 

Now move forward a decade to Middle School.  BFFs on Monday can be not speaking on Wednesday and by Friday are gossiping and plotting against one another.  What happened?  Gray suggests that we, the adults in their lives, are inadvertently responsible, “We teach them to keep score, to compare themselves to others and to worry about the future. We hold onto grudges and remind them of past wrongs and hurts.”

To turn this around, we need to be deliberate about teaching our children the value of reconciliation.  Conflict is a natural consequence of living with one another. When each of us is created uniquely, there are bound to be disagreements and opposing viewpoints. This easily turns into contentious behavior which often leads to pain. Without forgiveness, we cannot have peace.  As our children grow in society and become distracted by the lure of popularity, material goods, notoriety of success, they are bound to clash with one another and to hurt one another.  It is our job to show them how to negotiate their way through these conflicts.

Claire Perez and I teach about forgiveness on three tiers: apology, forgiveness and reconciliation.  It is possible to apologize without being forgiven and it is possible to forgive without having heard an apology.  Either can leave us with a sense of peace and a freedom to move on. But the perfect formula is to blend both elements, apology and forgiveness,  to bring about reconciliation.

We start with apology. Apology takes ownership of a poor choice of action.  It involves five steps:

·         Confess our role in an offensive action.  Make no excuses.  Simply admit, “I did it.”

·         Accept the consequences.  Understand that you may have lost a friend, sullied your reputation, or given up a privilege as a result of your action.

·          Ask forgiveness.  Specifically say, “I’m sorry.  Please forgive me.”  Understand that forgiveness might not be forthcoming, but we have done the right thing in asking.

·          Offer restitution.  Be prepared to repair the damages in any way possible.

·          Determine to change future choices.  Show our sincerity by acting differently from now on.

We all make mistakes at some time in our lives.  It is painful to live with the regret.  Sincere apology eases that pain and helps us focus on learning the lesson and being a better person.

Activity  

We took this familiar activity and turned it into a play to portray the lesson.

Scar (A Play)

From Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 1-3, pp12-14

Materials:  Three 8”x 10” copies of a smiling face (two for practice, one for the performance) script for “Scar,” five child actors, one adult narrator

Purpose:  To help children realize the lasting, painful effects of bullying and ridicule.  To help children learn the components of a sincere apology.

Preparation:  Ask for five volunteers to be in a little play for the other children.  Sometime previous to the event, take them to another room to practice.

When you are ready, gather the children in the Circle of Peace and explain that they are going to watch a short play.

Script

Five children stand in a row, facing the audience.  Narrator sits on a stool at the beginning of the row, a little forward of the line.

Narrator:  Sometimes people forget to love one another.  When they do, they are sometimes rude and mean to one another.  It hurts our feelings when someone is mean to us, and it’s hard to forget about it later.  Here is a story about four classmates who forgot they were friends.

First child holds up a picture of a smiling face.

Narrator:  This is Jane.  She is usually a happy child.  Her Mommy and Daddy love her.  Her teacher thinks she is a great kid.  Jane’s clothes are kind of old-fashioned.  Because she stutters when she talks, she is shy with people she is just getting to know.  She’s not very good at reading.

Jane is kind.  She likes to share.  She is good at sports.  However, because she is a little different, some children don’t like her.  Here is what happened one day.

First child passes the picture to the second child.

Narrator:  The teacher told the children that the class was going to put on a play.  It would be about a Prince and a Princess and a Dragon.  Parents would be invited to come.  Other people could also come if they wanted.  After recess,  children who wanted a part I the play could meet with the teacher to try out.

Everyone was so excited! Jane thought she would like to be part of the play.  She smiled as she thought of telling her family about it.

Then one child walked up to her and said, “What are you smiling about?  Don’t tell me you think you could be in the play!”

Second child folds the picture in half, creases it and hands it to the third child.

Narrator:  “Y-y-yess.  I Th-think it would be f-f-fun,” said Jane.

“F-F-Fun?” mocked another child.  “Y-y-you can’t even t-t-talk!” And she laughed in Jane’s face.

Third child folds the picture in half again, creases it and hands it to the fourth child.

Narrator:  Another child heard the laughing and came over.  When he realized what was happening, he joined in.  “It’s a good thing there will be costumes, so you don’t have to wear your weird clothes, “  he roared.

Fourth child crumples the picture into a ball, tightly squeezes it and hands it to the fifth child.

Narrator:  “Ha!” said another child scornfully, “I bet you can’t even read the script!  We’ll have to let you be the dog.  Woof-woof!”  All the children howled with laughter.

Fifth child drops the picture on the floor and stomps on it with his foot.

Narrator:  Poor Jane began to cry. 

Then a friend came over.  “Why are you being so mean?” she asked the other children.  “Can’t you see how sad you are making her?  Jane is one of us.  She belongs to our class and she belongs in our play if she wants to be.  You shouldn’t make her cry.”

The other children listened to their friend.  They looked at Jane’s sad face and they felt sorry for what they had done.

Fifth child picks up the picture and begins to uncrumple it.

Fifth Child:  I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.

Hands the picture to the Fourth child.

Fourth child uncrumples the picture some more.

Fourth child:  I hope you’ll try out for the play.

Hands the picture to the Third child.

Third child unfolds the second crease and smooths out the picture.

Third Child:  Please forgive me for making you cry.

Hands the picture to the Second child.

Second child unfolds the last crease and smoothes the picture out.

Second Child:  I’ll help you read the script before the try-outs.

Hands the picture to the First child.

First child smooths the picture some more and holds it up for all to see.

Narrator:  Jane was smiling again.  She was happy about trying out for the play.  Now she knew she had friends.

 But notice this:  Even though the children smoothed things out with Jane, there are still wrinkles.  When we hurt people’s feelings, embarrass them or point out their differences, they are never quite the same. It takes a long time for the scars to heal and the wrinkles to go away.

The children in Jane’s class were really sincere when they told her they were sorry.  They proved it over the weeks and months to come by being friendly and supportive of their little classmate.  In time, Jane was able to forget about her sad day and just be a happy member of the class.

Begin clapping in rhythm, singing an appropriately happy song such as, “If You’re Happy and You Know It.”  Take a bow!

Process this lesson by recalling the five steps of a sincere apology: 

·         Confess our role in an offensive action.   

·         Accept the consequences.   

·          Ask forgiveness

·          Offer restitution.   

·          Determine to change future choices

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

Respect for Human Dignity

Respect for Human Dignity

            A group of preschoolers had gathered to watch a cartoon, “Rudolph the Red –Nose Reindeer.”  Suddenly Amelia burst out, “That’s wrong!  I don’t like Santa!”

I was just beginning to question the story myself, so I was quick to ask, “What’s wrong, Amelia?  What don’t you like?”

            “Santa made Rudolph cover up his nose.  Now he can’t breathe right!”

            Pausing the video, I told the children, “Amelia’s right.  It isn’t nice to make Rudolph cover his nose just because it’s different.  I think the person who wrote this story didn’t know that Santa would never make Rudolph do something like that just because he’s different.  Santa loves all of us, no matter what we look like.  If Rudolph’s friends don’t like his shiny nose, what do you think Santa would really do?”

            Just three- and four-years old, some of the children answered like this:

“He would say, ‘It’s okay.  I like him anyway.”

“I think he would tell everyone to play nice and don’t worry about his nose.”

“He would say, ‘Don’t worry, Rudolph, your nose is pretty.’”

            The irony, of course, is that Santa himself is an imaginary character.  But knowing that, for children, he is a metaphor for unconditional love, I felt it important to defend his image.  It was gratifying to see that the children quickly picked up on the error of the story.  It meant to me that they were grasping the significance of human dignity.  I was anxious to affirm it.

            Every person, by virtue of birth, has dignity.  In other words, every person has an innate right to be treated with respect.  If all people knew this and were guided by its relevance, I believe there would be no more violence toward one another.  Reality is: that’s probably not going to happen.  However, we can minimize violence by teaching our children about human dignity.

            The first step is to recognize dignity in ourselves and in our children.  Rules such as using a respectful voice when speaking to parents, holding a door for a grandparent, or answering when being addressed show children that you expect their consideration because you deserve it.   At the same time, reaching out to children with care models for them how they can expect to be treated by others.  It also clearly shows how you expect children to behave toward one another.

            It is important to remember that human dignity is a quality that can never be lost.  It can be overlooked.  It can be forgotten, but everyone always has dignity and always deserves respect.  When we hear someone criticize, “He’s lost all dignity,” we need to revise that in our own minds to say, “He’s forgotten he has dignity.  How can we remind him?”

            When a person falls on hard times or is consistently mistreated by others she can become distracted by her pain and struggle.  Over time, she is apt to forget how valuable she actually is.  She might begin to act undignified.  But we shouldn’t be fooled.  Her dignity is still there; it’s just been misplaced. It takes a loving person to help her find it again.

            Human dignity is a complicated concept for small children.  It is one that can be “caught” faster than “taught” when we model it for them as they grow and develop.  When we help them learn acceptance and reverence for all people, they will come to recognize their own dignity and they will demand respect.

Rudolph’s Happy Night
(From Peacemakers: The New Generation, Ages 3-5, page 38)

Materials:  Jingle bells for each child, recording of the song “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer”

Purpose:  To help children learn to accept differences and respect human dignity.

Gather in the Circle of Peace.  Sit down.  Tell the children that you are thinking of a story about a reindeer named Rudolph. (Note: Though this is traditionally a Christmas story, it can be told at any time of the year.) Many children will recognize the story.  Lead them in telling it through questions:

• What was different about Rudolph? (He had a red nose.)
• What color were the other reindeers’ noses? (Black)
• How did they feel about Rudolph? (Many acceptable answers.)
• What did the other reindeer do to Rudolph? (They called him names.)
• Did they play with him? (No.)
• Oh, dear!  Was that a friendly way to be? (Accept children’s answers.)
• Then what happened one Christmas Eve? (It was foggy and the reindeer couldn’t see.)
• Was Rudolph able to help? (Yes.)
• How did the other reindeer feel about Rudolph after that? (They loved him.)

This is a happy ending!

Pass out jingle bells.  Invite the children to stand and sing the song.

• Shake the bells during the beginning lines.
• Stop the bells and look sad during the lines about the mean reindeer.
• Put the bells to rest on the floor and shake a finger to “tell the story” about one foggy night.
• Change voices for Santa’s words.
• Pick up the bells and dance in circles for the happy ending!

Reproducible for classroom use only. Copyright 2007 E.T.Nedder Publishing

What’s Fair?

(From Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 1-3, page 19)

Materials: Several blindfolds, several pairs of mittens (oven mitts will work, but no gloves), a piñata filled with individually wrapped candies (a brown paper bag can substitute for the piñata) and hung in the vicinity, a pole to break the piñata,

Purpose: To experience respect for human dignity and acceptance of differences.

Gather the children in the Circle of Peace.  Remind the children of the rules for playing the game safely.

Rules:

• Each child will be given three tries to break the piñata.
• The others must stand back to avoid being hit by the pole.  (You may want some volunteer spotters.)
• When the piñata first breaks open, everyone FREEZES until they hear the signal.
• When and ADULT yells “GO!” they can dive in and pick up as much candy as they can hold.
• It is unfair to grab candy from another’s hands.
• When all the candy has been picked up, the children will return to the Circle of Peace and be seated.

Before playing the game, randomly pass out blindfolds and mittens to various children.  Tell them that they are to wear these props throughout the game.  Help them put on the blindfolds. Note that some children will have no props.

Play the game.  Children take turns, one at a time, swinging the pole at the piñata, hitting it until it bursts open and the candy falls to the ground.  Traditionally the child swinging the pole is blindfolded.  In this game, if the child has not already been blindfolded, he will swing without it.

After the game, return to the Circle of Peace.  Tell the children they can remove their props. Without noting that some children have more candy than others, ask how they feel about the game.  Are they feeling happy? Sad? Angry?  Why?

Was it fair that some children couldn’t see?  Was it fair that some children couldn’t pick up the candy easily?  Is there any way the children can make the outcome fairer?

Express appreciation to the children who voluntarily share their candy.  Ask if anyone can guess why you played the game this way.  Was there a lesson?

Help the children realize that not everyone in the Family of God has the same abilities. We all have different physical attributes.  Some people can get things more easily than others.  But one thing we all have is dignity.  And dignity gives us the right to be respected and loved.  God likes to see us help one another and share with one another. 

Ask if the children can think of examples from life that might be like the piñata game they just played.

Reproducible for classroom use only. Copyright 2007 E.T.Nedder Publishing

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

Positive Self-Identity – Part II

When helping children develop attitudes of peace, we look for Positive Self-identity.  How a person views himself will dictate to a large extent  how he acts, the choices he makes, the attitudes he takes toward others.  Positive self-identity is more than high self-esteem.  It’s a little more complicated than “I’m okay, you’re okay.”  Positive self-identity recognizes one’s own strengths and weaknesses, one’s own needs and gifts.  Most importantly, it signifies an understanding of oneself in relation to others.  In other words, one might ask, “Who am I? What am I good at and what needs more practice?  What are my virtues and what are my vices?  Finally, how do I fit in this community in which I live?  What do I need from the members here and what can I offer them?” 

Self-esteem is about me.   Self-identity is about we. In the following activity, children are encouraged to create a world of their own.  As they deliberate about their imaginary world, they come closer to realizing that there is a purpose to this great and real world in which we live.  They will be encouraged to think about how they contribute to that purpose.

I like to use four A words when talking about children’s Positive Self-identity.

First is Attention.  Children need our close attention, not just when they’re tiny, but also and especially when they grow into Middle School and High School.  There is nothing so lonely as feeling invisible.  Let’s be sure to look at our children and greet them with a smile when they walk into a room.  And don’t let them just disappear as adolescents are wont to do;  say ”good night” or “good-bye” as they leave the room.

All of us, when we are out and about, can make a contribution by paying attention to the children who are present.  Get eye contact. Smile if they are behaving well.  Frown if they are not.  It used to be the mark of a good neighborhood when everyone watched out for everyone else’s kids.  We knew we had to stay out of trouble.  We also knew we were safe, because someone had our backs.  Offer kind words to boost a child’s spirits.  A stranger once complimented my daughter for holding the door for me.  She never needed a reminder after that!

At home eat a meal with the children. Turn off the TV and put away the cellphones.  Have conversation.  Share the day, tell jokes.  Plan future holidays or outings.  Strategize how the family can cheer up ailing Cousin Tony.  There’s plenty to talk about.  Be sure to do your share of listening as well.  Active listening includes looking at the child while he’s speaking.  Nod your head. Pat his arm. Inform your face to respond.

Finally, we need to watch for signs of stress.  Does your child seem tired, overly cranky or overly quiet?  Be observant.  Ask questions.  Try to find out what’s happening without hovering.

The second A is Appreciation.  When we show appreciation for who our child is and what she does and how she adds to our lives, we honor her. At the same time, we model the gift of gratitude.  A person who has gratitude and who knows she is appreciated is less likely to show jealousy or envy of another.Relying on a child to take over age-appropriate chores helps the family function more smoothly. “What would we do without you?” Including him in community service activities opens the way for others to notice and thank him.  “You made this job so much fun!”

We can be stingy with our criticism, especially in the early adolescent years (when it’s probably the hardest). They are rough enough on themselves.  It’s a good bet that their friends and teachers are giving them plenty of critique each day.  Instead let’s find ways to notice and name their strengths. 

The third A is for Affection.  Children, even big children, need to know they are loved.  Hugs, kisses, blessings should be a regular diet served to children by their families.  I once heard a young man eulogize his father by telling how he made special cards for each child on every holiday, including St. Patrick’s Day.  “I have a box full of his affectionate notes,” he told the group “given even when I wasn’t very adorable!”

The rest of us can find other ways: a wink to share an inside joke, a friendly nickname, a thumbs-up across the room, a note with a pack of gum slipped into a pocket.  They all help to make a child know he belongs and is important to the group.

The final A is Affiliation.  Our children need to know that they belong to something so much bigger and so much stronger than just themselves.  There are people on whom they can depend for advice, help, and protection.  By the same token, there are people who need to rely on the children for much the same. A three-year-old can bring Mommy a diaper to change the baby; a nine-year-old can help an elderly neighbor rake the leaves; a thirteen-year-old can babysit.

Outside of the family, belonging to a school or a Church, being on a team or a member of choir will give a child another way to define herself.  Teachers, coaches and other adult leaders help broaden a child’s experience and build her confidence.  It is through these activities that children learn social skills of cooperation, sharing, anticipating another’s needs, enjoying another’s success.  It is often through people in these communities that a child learns compassion, courage of conviction and even self-sacrifice.

 None of us are the Center of the Universe.  All of us kind of float around together, needing some and helping some.  Let’s guide our children to be aware of their membership in this vast world.  Let’s teach them that whenever they feel overwhelmed by a particular challenge, like a bully at school, they can just reach out and ask someone for help.  If they happen to be the by-stander when a bully picks on a kid, let’s show them how to be an up-stander instead.  Encourage them to run for help, create a distraction, speak up to the bully or stand next to the victim to offer hope.  But never feel alone.  And never let someone else feel alone.  We are one.

Journal or discuss: Were you ever bullied as a child?  Were you ever a bully?  If your adult-self could talk to that child, what would you want to say?

Activity

Create a Mini World

(from Peacemakers:The New Generation, Grades 6-8, p.4)

Materials: Clay or play dough, construction paper, tape, scissors, other creative materials.  Time: 2 hours or more

Group the children into pairs or trios.  Invite them to take a few minutes to imagine a new world.  Ask the following questions:

• What would life be like in your ideal world?
• Who would live in it?
• What would they need?
• What things would happen there?
• How would they happen?
• What does your world need to thrive?
• What would destroy it?

Allow children to select materials to create a mini-world based on their ideas.  As they work, they can think up a story to share about this world. Allow as much time as possible for this project.  Several hours over several days would be ideal.  If time is limited you might use only markers and paper to create a world.  When the project is complete, give each group a chance to talk about their worlds and share their stories.

Process the activity by discussing the following:

• What is your hope for your world?
• As your world’s creator, what would you be willing to do to support your world?
• What do you think is the hope of the Creator for our world?
• What do you think our Creator is willing to do to support our world?
• What do each of you bring to make our world a wonderful place?

Reproducible for classroom use only. Copyright 2007 E.T.Nedder Publishing

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

 

Positive Self-identity – Part I

   
 (As you read these blogs, place a child you know and love in your heart.  Think about him/her as you contemplate these ideas.)

In helping children develop patterns of peaceful living, the first characteristic we look for is Positive Self-identity.  How a person views himself will dictate to a large extent how he acts, the choices he makes and the attitudes he takes toward others. Positive Self-identity is more than high self-esteem.  It’s a little more complicated than “I’m okay, you’re okay.” Positive Self-identity recognizes one’s own strengths and weaknesses, one’s own needs as well as gifts.  Most importantly, it signifies an understanding of oneself in relationship to others.  In other words, one might ask, “Who am I? What am I good at and what needs more practice?  What are my virtues and what are my vices? Finally, how do I fit in this community in which I live? What do I need from the members here and what can I offer them?”

Self-esteem is about me.  Self-identity is about we.

     For years, psychologists have pointed out that a child with low self-esteem may act out in bullying behaviors in an attempt to prove herself equal to or better than her oppressors.  Lately, another trend has been evolving.  That is narcissistic behaviors that indicate a “Center of the Universe” attitude that excludes everyone else.  This attitude puts oneself above any rules or considerations.  It involves no manners, no sharing, and no taking turns; just “get what I want when I want it.”

When the pain they’ve caused another is pointed out, these children show no remorse, so great is their sense of entitlement. I wouldn’t say these children have a low self-esteem, but I would say they have a negative self-identity, because their identity doesn’t include anyone else.  They are, apparently, on their own.  They are beholding to no one.  Sadly, their expectation is that everyone is beholding to them, which can only lead to disappointment and anger when everyone doesn’t bow to their will.

     On the other hand, a child with negative self-identity is the perfect target for a bully.  It is easy to convince him that he is a zero, since he has no concept of his own worth.  He doesn’t realize that there is a community waiting to help him, so he trudges through his daily torments alone.

      Children who know and accept themselves as being gifted while having some flaws are more able to shrug off undeserved criticism.  They are able to accept others who have obvious flaws, knowing that there are gifts to be discovered.  Children who think of themselves as part of something bigger – “I’m an American, an O’Leary, a Girl Scout,  a Catholic, a Cubs fan” – begin to define themselves in terms of those groups and use those groups to form attitudes, behaviors and goals accordingly.

    Our job, then, as adults, is to guide our children to learn who they are and to accept themselves as good and worthy beings, very necessary to society, and deserving of respect.  Let me say, this is not just a job for parents.  This is a job for every adult.  The children are watching all of us.  They are catching our facial expressions. They are hearing our reactions to life.  They are copying our treatment of one another.  So all of us need to be alert and on our best behavior!

Journal or Discuss:  Remember being ten years old.  How would you have described yourself then?  What in your life, or who, influenced that description?

Activity

Beach Ball Boogie

From Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 1-3, p 27

Materials:  Beach ball(s), contemporary dance music, stop watch

Purpose:  To experience the fun of cooperative play, without competition. Or, in this case, to experience one's role in contributing to a group project.

Gather in the Circle of Peace.  Show the beach ball and ask what kind of games can be played with this ball.  Point out that sometimes we can play a game that has no winner or loser.  This kind of game is called "cooperative play." Say that you will play such a game now.

The object is to keep the ball in the air for as long as possible.  Play some lively dance music.  Children toss the ball up and around the circle, taking turns hitting it back up whenever the ball comes near them.  A time-keeper keeps track of how long it is in the air before touching the floor.

Another variation is to omit the time-keeper and simply count out loud each time the ball is touched.  Play several rounds trying to beat the record.

To add interest, after a few rounds toss in a second and a third ball to see how long they can stay up.

Process the activity by asking:  

• What are the advantages of playing competitive games?
• What are the advantages of playing cooperative games?
• Why might it be good to have some of each? 

Or, in this case, process in this manner:

• Explain to the children that this game can be a metaphor for any community endeavor, such as feeding the poor or protecting animats, or cleaning up after a flood.
• Ask, in order to keep the ball up in the air, did everyone have to work every minute?
• Did everyone have to be aware of where the ball was at any given second?
• What would you do if you saw someone not paying attention as the ball came closer to him?
• What if someone decided not to reach up when the ball came her way?
• How does this game help explain the phrase, "It takes a village...?"
• Can you sum up what we learn from this game? (Some things can't be done alone.  We need a community.  Everyone needs to conribute when they can.  It's okay to remind others or help them do their jobs.)

Reproducible for group use only.  Copyright E.T.Nedder Publishing 2007

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