Effective Communication Skills, Part II

As children grow older and become more verbal, we sometimes forget that they need reminders about the most effective way to use the thousands of words they’ve learned.

Once they understand the power in their words, they need guidance in how to use that power in the most positive ways.  When we give children the skills both to express their needs and desires and to listen with respect, we open the door to opportunity. Peacemakers: The New Generation books offer several activities to accent the various facets of effective communication.  Following are three of the most foundational exercises.

Activity

Water Balloons

From Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 6-8, pp. 44-45

Materials:  Balloons filled with water, at least one per pair of children (This activity is

                  best done outdoors.)

Purpose: To demonstrate the concepts of sender and receiver in effective

                communication.

Instruct the children to choose a partner and form two lines facing one another with partners directly across from one another.  The lines should be about three feet apart.

One partner holds the water balloon.  At the signal, the balloon is carefully tossed to the other partner.  If the balloon is caught without bursting, the partners each take a step back and toss again. Play continues in this way until the balloon bursts.  When this happens, the partners step out of line and sit on the side until the game ends., when all but one pair are still standing with their balloon intact.

Process the activity by discussing the following questions:

·         We will call the person throwing the balloon the sender  and the person catching the balloon the receiver.  What did the sender have to do to keep the balloon from bursting? (Possible responses:  look at the receiver, aim, throw with the right amount of force.) 

·         What did the receiver have to do? (Possible responses:  watch the sender, be willing to move to catch the balloon, catch it before it hit the ground.)

·         Would you throw if the receiver wasn’t looking at you?

·         Would you turn your back if the balloon was coming toward you?

·         What did you try to do when the balloon went way to the right or the left?

·         What would happen if you just stood in one spot?

·         Was it easier or harder to play when you were further apart?

Explain that playing with the water balloons is much like communicating.  There is a sender who speaks, sending the message, and a receiver who listens, receiving the message.  Can you think of other ways the game is like verbal communication? (Possible responses: the sender and receiver are frequently reversing roles; each must pay attention to the other by watching and listening; each must be willing to do what it takes to make it work.)

If time permits, play another round.

Catch the Message

From Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 4-6, pp. 40-41

It is one thing to know what one wants to say.  It is quite another to be able to deliver that message effectively to others.  The choice of words and the manner in which they are delivered to others can make a lasting impression on the listener.  Intimidation may get people to back down from a stand, but it is rarely convincing.  Distraction can postpone a conversation for the time-being, but it doesn’t resolve the issue.  Coming to the point honestly, with respect for the position of the listener, is the best way to work toward understanding.

When children learn to consider their audience they choose their words carefully.  They will take time to observe the listener’s body language and tone of voice and monitor their own accordingly.  In time, they will grow to be articulate and confident adults.

Materials:  Five or more soft, lightweight balls of various sizes and materials, newsprint,

                  markers.

Purpose:   To learn the three components of effective communication: attention, empathy, and

                  flexibility.

Ask the group to line up facing each other , as partners, about five feet apart.  Explain that the object of this game is to play catch with different balls and to move the balls from the front of the line to the back, partner after partner.  The leader, you or the extra child if there is an odd number, will give one ball to the first pair in line.  They will pass it back and forth, then pass it to the next pair in line.  The leader will then give the first pair a different ball to toss back and forth and pass on. The play continues in this manner with each pair receiving a ball from the previous pair and tossing it back and forth.  Continue until all balls are in play and have made it to the last pair.  If any ball is dropped, it must be passed back to the leader  and started in play again with the first pair.

To add excitement you might try passing a ball back to the front once it has reached the end, being careful to keep the balls in the correct order.

Process the game by pointing out that the game is like a conversation with a sender and a receiver.  The various balls represent different messages.  Discuss the following questions:

·         What did you need to do to be successful? (Possible answers: pay attention, understand the task, know to whom you were throwing the ball and how good they were at catching it, change how the ball was thrown depending on its sie and weight.)

·         How does this relate to talking with one another? (Possible answers: you have to pay attention, know to whom you are speaking, try to understand what the other person is saying, try to say things so they can be understood, know what you want to say.)

Explain that these observations can be summed up in three words:

·         Attention – being observant of the person, their words and their body language

·         Empathy – being sensitive to feelings and point of view

·         Flexibility – being willing to change the words you are using and how you are speaking in order to be understood. 

Make a poster or bulletin board to remind the group to use these three components of effective communication in their sharing and in their conversations.

Pitfalls

From Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 4-6, pp. 44-51

Effective communication is what can build bridges in relationships, connecting people who might otherwise never relate.  Paying attention, being empathetic, being willing to be flexible are ingredients of fine friendship.  Interference of effective communication is what we call “Pitfalls,” those behaviors that knock people off the bridges and keep them from ever becoming friends. They are the earmarks of a bully.

We divide these behaviors into two categories, diversion and intimidation.  Under diversion come the habits which distract one’s attention from the matter at hand.  These include; interrupting the speaker, failing to listen, avoiding taking responsibility for one’s part in the conflict, lying or exaggerating.  Under intimidation come the stronger, abusive behaviors which make it impossible for one to concentrate.  These include pushing, hitting, threatening, labeling, calling names, screaming and shouting.

We put all these together on a poster that looks like this:

Pushing or hitting

Interrupting

Threatening

Failing to listen

Avoiding taking responsibility for one’s part in the conflict

Labeling or calling names

Lying or exaggerating

Screaming or shouting

We gave the list to Jenny and David Heitler-Klevans, award-winning performers of “Two of a Kind”. They wrote and recorded a song for us which you can download from their web site. Find the words and order a CD here.       

We have found that when children learn to recognize these behaviors in characters from books, movies and TV, they are more likely to also identify them in their own lives and to be less fearful, more courageous in facing them or walking away.

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

Effective Communication Skills, Part I

No one can overestimate the value of learning the right words and the most effect methods for using those words to get needs met.  When Ali Baba saw where the seven thieves had hidden their bounty, he had to find a way to retrieve it.  Learning the words, “Open Sesame!” gave him access to unimaginable treasure.

So it is with children.  Giving little ones who are just beginning to communicate the words they need to express their ideas and desires opens a magic door to opportunity.  Caring adults take the time to help them to ask for attention without whining, to resolve conflicts without hitting or biting, and to play cooperatively.

It was early in the year when a mother walked her three-year-old into the school.  He was holding tightly to her hand and cowering behind her as his teacher approached.

“Tell your teacher what you need,” the mother urged gently.

“Will you help me make school better?” he asked timidly.  “I’m not very happy here.”

His teacher knelt down to his level to as, “What will make you feel better about school?”

Another teacher, witnessing this exchange, had tears in her eyes.  Not only was she moved by the sweet earnestness of his request, she was also touched by the wisdom of his young mother.  Rather than speak for him (a natural instinct for a parent), she knew it would be better to help her son find the words to help himself.  It took courage and a lot of trust to put her little boy in that position.  I’m guessing it also took some rehearsing at home.  The reward is that he is learning that his words have power.

Our goal is to help children learn how best to use that power, expressing themselves clearly and confidently.  When a child whines or grunts  to indicate a wish, the temptation might be to whine back, “Stop whining!”  This would be understandable, but not very helpful.  A more thoughtful adult will offer an alternate behavior:  “Please use your words.  Say, ‘I need help with my coat.’” Only when the words have been spoken, or at least attempted, will he help the child with her coat.  Each positive response to a verbal request will encourage the child to use her words again.

We also want children to develop habits of courtesy and respect.  A child who screeches, “Gimme it!” is seldom met with a smile.  On the other hand, children learn quickly that they get more positive attention when they address a person by name and use words like “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me.”  These words set the tone for a calmer conversation.  People usually respond in kind, which reinforces the habit.

Finally, we aim to give children skills for resolving conflicts.  Having the right words in a critical moment can allay the urge to hit and run.  We teach children to say clearly, “I don’t like it when you…” or “Please stop…”  We help them negotiate with suggestions like, “Let’s share or “Let’s take turns.”  We help them emphasize their needs with “I” statements such as “I feel…”  Finally, we promise them that if they are having trouble, we’ll be right there to help them out.

It always comes back to this:  What we want our children to learn, we must first learn.  In other words, we need to be the models of clear, courteous and effective communication.  They will copy us, we can be sure.  When they do, they will feel happier, more confident and more peaceful.  What greater treasure can they have?

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

Forgiveness: Part 3

The following activity focuses on the symbol of shaking hands as a sign of reconciliation.When an adult witnesses two children arguing or even fighting, it is often wise to step back and let the children work it out.  Usually they have a natural propensity toward apology, forgiveness and reconciliation and they learn well from their experience.  But sometimes, the argument escalates, gets out of control and a valuable relationship falls into jeopardy.  It is then that adult guidance is needed.

Forgiveness is the act of granting peace to the offender by releasing a grudge.  It is often, but not always, preceded by an apology, the admission of responsibility for the offense.  The ideal result of combining forgiveness and apology is reconciliation.  To reconcile is, at best, to bring together again in love or friendship.  At least, it means to reach a compromise agreement.

Michael Hyatt of Intentional Leadership writes that reconciliation only happens when three phrases are used:  “I’m sorry.  I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?”  I would add two more phrases: “Yes, I forgive you.  Let’s be friends.”

The words, however, are empty unless they are stimulated by attitudes of responsibility, humility, empathy and patience.

• ·         Responsibility:  “I’m sorry” means I played an active role in offending you.  It may have been accidental, but it was at my hand and I truly regret it.  “Yes, I forgive you”  indicates willingness to do what is necessary to maintain the friendship.
• ·         Humility: It is seldom easy to admit to being wrong. We teach children the value of this behavior when we respond to their mistakes with understanding and forgiveness.  Of course, nothing teaches as clearly as watching how we react to our own errors.  Are we defensive, too proud to acknowledge our faults?  Or do we humbly concede our culpability, repair the damages and move on?
• ·         Empathy:  It is not enough to mutter, “Sorry” or “Just kidding” when we have hurt a friend.  It is important that a child realize just how he has offended another.  It is helpful to encourage him to name the offense and describe how he would feel under the same circumstances.  When he’s ready, the apology needs to identify the transgression:   “I am sorry I embarrassed you when I told that story at school.”  In this way, the wounded child knows for sure that his suffering has been understood and the offender is sure he has been duly forgiven.
• ·         Patience:  Reconciliation is a process that takes time.  Emotions need to die down.  Children need to think through all that has happened.  Adults need to respect the child’s struggle by guiding her, “When you are ready, you can apologize… you can forgive her…you can be friends again.”  This seldom takes as long for children as it can for proud and stubborn adults, but it is not fair to expect it to happen in a matter of minutes.

Activity  

Shaking Hands

Adapted from Peacemakers: The New Generation Grades 4-6, p. 36

Materials:  None

Purpose: To experience what is needed for reconciliation

Gather in the Circle of Peace.  Tell the children what you know about Golda Meir.  She was the first woman elected Prime Minister of Israel from 1969-1974.  She was often portrayed as the “strong-willed, straight-talking, gray-bunned grandmother of the Jewish people.”  Her dream was for peace in the Middle East.  She worked with world leaders including President Nixon and Pope Paul VI to establish a peace initiative to end the “War of Attrition.”

She said, “You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.”

Ask, when there has been a falling out between two friends, what needs to happen in order to repair the relationship?  When is it important to apologize?  What does it mean to forgive? Explain that when there is sincere apology and true forgiveness we have reconciliation,   a bringing together again in love or friendship.     

Invite each child to choose a partner. Explain that in many societies a handshake is a symbol of friendship. It is also a symbol of reconciliation.  Reiterate Golda Meir’s quote: “You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.”

Ask the children to pretend to be angry with their partners and to make clenched fists to show it.  Can they shake hands as friends?  What would have to happen in order to shake hands? (Apologies, forgiveness, open and relaxed hands)Reconciliation takes away the anger and eases the clenched fist.  Reconciliation makes it possible to restore the friendship.

Invite the children to trace their hands in their journals and fill them with the quote from Golda Meir.  Close the Circle with a Handshake of Peace.

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

Forgiveness, Part 2

On October 2, 2008, the world was stunned by the news from Nickel Mines, a rural town in Southern Lancaster County.  A man, insane with grief over the loss of his first-born daughter, rushed into an Amish school house and shot ten little girls, before taking his own life.  Five of the children died.

But, perhaps even more stunning was the response of the Amish community, including those families who had lost a child.  They forgave the shooter.  They reached out to comfort his family who had lost a husband/father/son.  They brought the family food and promised to be good neighbors to them.  When money poured in from around the world to help defray medical and funeral costs, the victims shared it with the killer’s family.

Dr. Donald Kraybill, co-author of Amish Grace: How Forgiveness Transcended Tragedy, (See more here.) interviewed dozens of families from the Nickel Mines community, asking them to define forgiveness.  The most common answer was “forgiveness means giving up a grudge.”  In an essay on the topic, Dr. Kraybill writes: “One Amish farmer told me, ‘Acid corrodes the container that holds it.  That’s what happens when we hold on to bitterness.’”

What’s remarkable about this story is that we find it so remarkable!  Our culture is not geared for forgiveness.  Our response is more often to “get even,”  “pay back”  “teach him a lesson.”  But looking at how that attitude only escalates the violence in this country makes me think it’s not working so well for us.

Dr. Kraybill writes: “An Amish father who lost a daughter in the schoolhouse offered a slightly different definition: ‘For me, forgiveness means giving up my right to revenge.”

What if we taught our children this?  What if we showed them that forgiveness is harder than revenge, but it is better, because it brings peace? Holding a grudge is exhausting work.  It sits in our hearts like a rock.  It pops up in most unexpected ways, ruining our days over and over again.  Forgiveness releases the forgiver from that bondage and allows one to get on with life.  Even if there is no apology and, therefore, no reconciliation, forgiveness brings peace to the victim.

Just to be clear, forgiveness does not mean the offense is excused or accepted..  Nor does it mean that the offense is completely understandable.  One can forgive and still demand recompense.  What forgiveness does is release the anger, resentment, or hate building up in one’s heart.  It takes time and effort and often repeated resolve, but it is worth it to have a peaceful heart. Dr. Kraybill assures us that in Nickel Mines the Amish, for the most part, have been able to move forward in what they call “the new normal.”

Activity  

A Lesson in a Bottle

Adapted from Peacemakers: The New Generation Grades 4-6, pages 44-45

Forgiveness is the act of granting peace to the offender by releasing a grudge.  The very act of forgiveness brings peace to the forgiver as well.  It allows the parties to move past the injury and offers hope for the future.  There can be no peace without forgiveness.

Materials:  One 2-liter empty plastic bottle and cap, tub of colored water, pitcher, awl or other sharp instrument to pierce holes in the bottle, optional: two-liter bottles of soda to share with the group at the end.

Purpose: To demonstrate how forgives relieves pain and brings peace to the forgiver

Preparation:  Poke four or five holes around the base of the empty bottle

Gather in the Circle of Peace.  Ask the children to consider this.  Suppose there is a group of people who want to be friends.  However, in the group there are some bullies who are really mean to others.  One of the bully targets decides to leave the group so he will be safe, away from the bullies.  Can he be at peace now?

What if the victim is still angry or sad or afraid?  What is needed to bring him peace in his new surroundings?

Demonstrate the following.

Uncap the bottle.  Holding it over the tub of water say, “Once there was a nice person who really wants to live in peace.”

With one hand, ruffle the water in the tub saying, “There was a community of people.  Some were friendly.  Some were not.”

Lower the bottle into the water.  Say, “The nice person joined the group.”

Scoop up a pitcher of water from the tub and hold it up.  Say, “This represents the pain caused by the bullies in the group.”

Pour the water into the bottle.  When it is full, keep the bottle in the tub, twist the cap back on. Say, “This was how the nice person sealed the pain and anger inside.

As long as he stayed in the group, he knew he would be filled with pain and resentment.  So one day he decided to leave.”

Pull the bottle from the water.  It will stay full.  Say, “Leaving the group was not enough to heal the pain.  It became clear that wherever the nice person went he would be taking the anger and hurt with him.  There was something very important he had to do if he was ever to feel at peace again.”

Wave one arm around to indicate the air. Say, “This is the spirit of forgiveness.  If he was ever to feel better, the nice person needed to allow forgiveness to enter his heart.  It was the only way the pain could go away.  But for weeks, he kept the pain and anger and fear bottled up inside him.  Finally, after praying for courage, he chose to uncap the pain and let forgiveness fill his heart.”

Still holding it up, uncap the bottle and watch the water pour out as the air pushes it down. End by saying, “Filled with forgiveness, the nice person was once again at peace.”

Ask the children what they learned from the lesson in the bottle.  Suggested discussion questions are:

·        

·        Where does forgiveness come from?

·        Is forgiveness just a feeling or is it a choice?

·        When you are really angry, sad or scared, how can you make the choice to forgive?

·        Can you forgive if there is no apology?

Can you forgive if the offender is not even there

I

I  Take a minute of silence to ask God to bring a spirit of forgiveness into the hearts of all present.  Bring out the bottles of soda to share and celebrate the joy of forgiveness.

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please  visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

Forgiveness, Part 1

Forgiveness, Part 1

This scene is not uncommon in a preschool classroom.  Two little girls walk in arm –in-arm, best of friends.  Twenty minutes into the morning, they are arguing over who gets the sparkly shoes in the dress-up corner.  At snack, they refuse to sit together; no longer friends.  At the end of the day, out they stroll, arm-in-arm, BFFs!

Small children easily say, “I’m sorry.” And just as easily forgive. Laurie A. Gray, JD, of Socratic Parenting LLC , makes the same observation, “Children have a natural ability to forgive because their tendency is to live in the present moment,”  This may be why we have no discussion of forgiveness in our preschool-kindergarten Peacemakers: The New Generation book. 

Now move forward a decade to Middle School.  BFFs on Monday can be not speaking on Wednesday and by Friday are gossiping and plotting against one another.  What happened?  Gray suggests that we, the adults in their lives, are inadvertently responsible, “We teach them to keep score, to compare themselves to others and to worry about the future. We hold onto grudges and remind them of past wrongs and hurts.”

To turn this around, we need to be deliberate about teaching our children the value of reconciliation.  Conflict is a natural consequence of living with one another. When each of us is created uniquely, there are bound to be disagreements and opposing viewpoints. This easily turns into contentious behavior which often leads to pain. Without forgiveness, we cannot have peace.  As our children grow in society and become distracted by the lure of popularity, material goods, notoriety of success, they are bound to clash with one another and to hurt one another.  It is our job to show them how to negotiate their way through these conflicts.

Claire Perez and I teach about forgiveness on three tiers: apology, forgiveness and reconciliation.  It is possible to apologize without being forgiven and it is possible to forgive without having heard an apology.  Either can leave us with a sense of peace and a freedom to move on. But the perfect formula is to blend both elements, apology and forgiveness,  to bring about reconciliation.

We start with apology. Apology takes ownership of a poor choice of action.  It involves five steps:

·         Confess our role in an offensive action.  Make no excuses.  Simply admit, “I did it.”

·         Accept the consequences.  Understand that you may have lost a friend, sullied your reputation, or given up a privilege as a result of your action.

·          Ask forgiveness.  Specifically say, “I’m sorry.  Please forgive me.”  Understand that forgiveness might not be forthcoming, but we have done the right thing in asking.

·          Offer restitution.  Be prepared to repair the damages in any way possible.

·          Determine to change future choices.  Show our sincerity by acting differently from now on.

We all make mistakes at some time in our lives.  It is painful to live with the regret.  Sincere apology eases that pain and helps us focus on learning the lesson and being a better person.

Activity  

We took this familiar activity and turned it into a play to portray the lesson.

Scar (A Play)

From Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 1-3, pp12-14

Materials:  Three 8”x 10” copies of a smiling face (two for practice, one for the performance) script for “Scar,” five child actors, one adult narrator

Purpose:  To help children realize the lasting, painful effects of bullying and ridicule.  To help children learn the components of a sincere apology.

Preparation:  Ask for five volunteers to be in a little play for the other children.  Sometime previous to the event, take them to another room to practice.

When you are ready, gather the children in the Circle of Peace and explain that they are going to watch a short play.

Script

Five children stand in a row, facing the audience.  Narrator sits on a stool at the beginning of the row, a little forward of the line.

Narrator:  Sometimes people forget to love one another.  When they do, they are sometimes rude and mean to one another.  It hurts our feelings when someone is mean to us, and it’s hard to forget about it later.  Here is a story about four classmates who forgot they were friends.

First child holds up a picture of a smiling face.

Narrator:  This is Jane.  She is usually a happy child.  Her Mommy and Daddy love her.  Her teacher thinks she is a great kid.  Jane’s clothes are kind of old-fashioned.  Because she stutters when she talks, she is shy with people she is just getting to know.  She’s not very good at reading.

Jane is kind.  She likes to share.  She is good at sports.  However, because she is a little different, some children don’t like her.  Here is what happened one day.

First child passes the picture to the second child.

Narrator:  The teacher told the children that the class was going to put on a play.  It would be about a Prince and a Princess and a Dragon.  Parents would be invited to come.  Other people could also come if they wanted.  After recess,  children who wanted a part I the play could meet with the teacher to try out.

Everyone was so excited! Jane thought she would like to be part of the play.  She smiled as she thought of telling her family about it.

Then one child walked up to her and said, “What are you smiling about?  Don’t tell me you think you could be in the play!”

Second child folds the picture in half, creases it and hands it to the third child.

Narrator:  “Y-y-yess.  I Th-think it would be f-f-fun,” said Jane.

“F-F-Fun?” mocked another child.  “Y-y-you can’t even t-t-talk!” And she laughed in Jane’s face.

Third child folds the picture in half again, creases it and hands it to the fourth child.

Narrator:  Another child heard the laughing and came over.  When he realized what was happening, he joined in.  “It’s a good thing there will be costumes, so you don’t have to wear your weird clothes, “  he roared.

Fourth child crumples the picture into a ball, tightly squeezes it and hands it to the fifth child.

Narrator:  “Ha!” said another child scornfully, “I bet you can’t even read the script!  We’ll have to let you be the dog.  Woof-woof!”  All the children howled with laughter.

Fifth child drops the picture on the floor and stomps on it with his foot.

Narrator:  Poor Jane began to cry. 

Then a friend came over.  “Why are you being so mean?” she asked the other children.  “Can’t you see how sad you are making her?  Jane is one of us.  She belongs to our class and she belongs in our play if she wants to be.  You shouldn’t make her cry.”

The other children listened to their friend.  They looked at Jane’s sad face and they felt sorry for what they had done.

Fifth child picks up the picture and begins to uncrumple it.

Fifth Child:  I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.

Hands the picture to the Fourth child.

Fourth child uncrumples the picture some more.

Fourth child:  I hope you’ll try out for the play.

Hands the picture to the Third child.

Third child unfolds the second crease and smooths out the picture.

Third Child:  Please forgive me for making you cry.

Hands the picture to the Second child.

Second child unfolds the last crease and smoothes the picture out.

Second Child:  I’ll help you read the script before the try-outs.

Hands the picture to the First child.

First child smooths the picture some more and holds it up for all to see.

Narrator:  Jane was smiling again.  She was happy about trying out for the play.  Now she knew she had friends.

 But notice this:  Even though the children smoothed things out with Jane, there are still wrinkles.  When we hurt people’s feelings, embarrass them or point out their differences, they are never quite the same. It takes a long time for the scars to heal and the wrinkles to go away.

The children in Jane’s class were really sincere when they told her they were sorry.  They proved it over the weeks and months to come by being friendly and supportive of their little classmate.  In time, Jane was able to forget about her sad day and just be a happy member of the class.

Begin clapping in rhythm, singing an appropriately happy song such as, “If You’re Happy and You Know It.”  Take a bow!

Process this lesson by recalling the five steps of a sincere apology: 

·         Confess our role in an offensive action.   

·         Accept the consequences.   

·          Ask forgiveness

·          Offer restitution.   

·          Determine to change future choices

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/

Resilience

Resilience  

       It was snack time for the three-year-olds at Thunderbird Preschool.  A little boy reached out and accidently knocked over his cup.  As the milk rolled across the table, down onto his chair and to the floor, his face changed from a look of surprise to one of despair.  I was sure there would be tears.  But, before I could even begin to reassure him, his classmate Abigail jumped up, napkin in hand, saying, “My Mommy says, ‘These things happen!’”  With that bit of wisdom, she cheerfully wiped up the spill!

        How pleased I was with Abigail and how proud of her Mommy!  She was teaching her children resilience in the face of adversity.  Resilience is the ability to recover rapidly from disappointment or misfortune.  Resilience gives one the strength to face difficulties head-on.  It is a gem of a characteristic with many facets.  We have several ingredients in our recipe for resilience:

• ·         Trust. Children need to believe and rely on the people in the community, as well as themselves.
• ·         Creative Problem-solving. Children can be taught to “think outside the box,” to look at a problem from many sides.
• ·         Gratitude.  Awareness of one’s blessings can save one from drowning in self-pity.
• ·         Heroes.  Children need models of resilient people to inspire them and pave the way.
• ·         Humor.  Understanding the ironies of life helps a child laugh off the small things.
• ·         Hope.  Everyone needs to believe that good things do happen and we can help make them come to be.

No matter how well we protect them, our children might skin a knee, miss an opportunity, be rejected.  They might fall prey to a bully. A child who lives with daily abuse, be it from a bully at school, a racist community or an addict in the family, is bound to develop an inner anxiety and self-doubt. Parents, teachers, and other loving adults need to be alert to the grief and, using the above ingredients, fortify their children with an inner resilience.

Children of even the best parents will make mistakes in their lives.  No matter how caring and attentive we are, they might spill their milk.  As they grow they might fail a test, tell a lie, or hurt someone.  Mistakes happen. 

We adults best help children when we show them that it is not the end of the world.  We help by standing with them and showing them, as Abigail’s Mommy did, how to

1.      Take responsibility for the consequences of their mistakes (wipe up the milk).

2.      Learn from their mistakes (in the future, be sure the cup is further from the edge of the table).

3.      Get on with life (enjoy your pretzels)!

Discuss or journal:  Where does your own resilience come from?

                        Do you have a pet phrase to help the child in your heart work through a disappointment or pain?

Activity  

In the primary grades children know the disappointment of broken promises.  They know that a lie is purposely misleading and they know that it is wrong.  What we adults can help them identify is how distrust affects relationships and disrupts the community.

In the following activity, children will experience how trust can be inadvertently hampered when there is not enough information.  Hopefully, they will begin to rely on their own experience and knowledge coupled with input from other reliable sources to discover what is and isn’t true.

Piecing It Together

From Peacemakers: The New Generation, Grades 1-3, pages 37-38

Materials: A large picture (about 11x 14 or bigger), self-stick notes (3” squares), board or newsprint, Story “The Three Blind Men and the Elephant” (See below)

Purpose:  To understand that sometimes we have only part of the truth and we need more to get the whole picture or the whole truth.

Preparation: Cover the entire picture with self-stick notes so that each can be lifted without disturbing the others.  Set the picture aside, facing away from the children.

In the Circle of Peace, tell the story of the “The Three Blind Men and the Elephants” (below) .

Process the story by asking:

            What did the men think they were feeling?

            When they describe what they felt, were they correct?

            Were they stupid?

            Were they lying?

            How could they finally figure out the truth?

Explain to the children that sometimes we have only a small piece of the truth on which to base our actions.  When we do, we must be careful not to judge too quickly.

When we have only small pieces of information, we need to share with others to find out what they know.  Then, putting the pieces together, we can come closer to the truth.  The more pieces we have, the more we can trust our conclusions.

Ask:

            What would have happened if the blind men had shared their information with one another?

            Would they have been closer to understanding what an elephant is?

Propose a game.  Display the picture.  Invite each child to approach the picture, one at a time, and look under just one self-stick note to reveal a portion of the picture.

When all have had a turn, give each child a chance to say, “I saw _____, so I think the picture is _____.”

Record each guess on the board or newsprint.

When all have reported their “piece of the truth,” ask if anyone wishes to change her guess based on what the others saw.  When all are satisfied, uncover the picture and compare the guesses with the reality.

Explain that often we think we know the truth when we haven’t examined all the evidence.  This is called making a mistake.  It isn’t really lying unless we purposely mislead someone.  It is always best to gather as much information as possible before making a judgment.

                                                Reproducible for classroom use only. Copyright 2007 E.T.Nedder Publishing

Three Blind Men and the Elephant

The original parable originated in China sometime during the Han Dynasty (202BC-220AD) and goes something like this:

One day three blind men happened to meet each other and talked a long time.  Suddenly one of them recalled, “I heard that an elephant is a strange sort of animal.  Too bad we’re blind and can’t see it.”

            It so happened that a merchant with a herd of elephants was passing, and overheard their conversation.  “You fellows, do you really want to feel an elephant?  Then follow me.  I will show you,” he said.

Taking one another’s hand, they quickly formed a line and followed while the merchant led the way.

After reaching their destination, the merchant led the first blind man to feel the elephant.  With an outstretched hand, he touched first the left foreleg and then the right.  After that he felt the two legs from the top to the bottom, and with a beaming face, turned to say, “So, the queer animal is just like that.”  Then he slowly returned to the group.

Thereupon the second blind man was led to the rear of the elephant.  He touched the tail which wagged a few times, and he exclaimed with satisfaction, “Ha!  Truly a queer animal! Truly odd! I know now.  I know.”  He hurriedly stepped aside.

The third blind man’s turn came, and he touched the elephant’s trunk which moved back and forth turning and twisting and he thought, “That’s it!  I’ve learned.”

The three blind men thanked the merchant and went their way.  The second blind man blurted out, “This queer animal is like our straw fans swinging back and forth to give us a breeze.  However, it’s not so big or well made.  The main portion is rather wispy.”

“No, no!” the first blind man shouted in disagreement.  “This queer animal resembles two big trees without any branches.”

“You’re both wrong,” the third man replied.  “This queer animal is similar to a snake; it’s long and round and very strong.”

How they argued!  Each one insisted that he alone was correct.  Of course, there was no conclusion, for no one had thoroughly examined the whole elephant.

How can anyone describe the whole until he has learned the total of parts?

Reprinted with permission from Chinese Folk Tales by Louise and Yuan His Kuo  copyright 1976 by Celestial Arts, Berkeley, CA, www.tenspeed.com

For more information and to purchase Peacemakers: The New Generation books, please visit: http://www.peacemakerstng.com/